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Diego's Journal |
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What a weekend! Gay Pride was here and honestly I was looking forward to just skipping the whole thing and staying home nursing my shoulder, but my lover's friends were in from out of town, and oh well, I went out having fun with them. We dragged my neighbor Jim along and I had a blast. Honestly, the weekend didn't begin too great; on Friday we decided to go try a different chinese restaurant than the one we frequent, and it was a disappointment. The food was horrible, but the flaming volcano drink they brought to the table save the experience since we ended up drinking out of a big bowl with a volcano in the center actually on fire. Yesterday my friend Jim and I went over to the bar and had a great time hanging out with all the tourists from out of town. I saw an old flame of mine with whom we have remained in contact and we are good friends. He is doing great and even Vince was impressed at what a nice guy he is. We was genuinely happy for me and my relationship as well. Talking about old flames; a couple weeks ago when Vince and I were out around town, I ran into Max; the guy I last dated when I was living in Los Angeles and whom played the same disappearing act when I gave him a second chance here in the desert. Anyway, it was great to see him. It was great because I realized that time does heal broken hearts. It was great to see him and not feel my heart break to pieces all over. Actually, it was great to see him and not feel anything at all. Nothing one way or the other. It was great to know that I could feel indifference for someone that was careless with my heart. Today we rode on the parade, and then attended the festival, where I ran into many more acquaintance and friends. All and all I had a really fun time. My other half had to work tonight, so I watched a couple episodes of CSI, played my guitar for a little while and now I settle in bed and get ready for a crazy week at work ahead of me. Check out the pictures under my events section. *********************************** So I sit here with not only taking care of my shoulder, but also taking care of my nipples. Since the hospital made me take my nipple rings off for the surgery, I decided to get a larger gage. Ouch! Of course it does not hurt as it did the first time when I got them pierced, however, the stretching hurts like a bitch! In a sort of good way. Well, the doctor gave me the all clear to start physical therapy next week, so I am happy. So the time is here to start preparing for my next big event, which is our holiday party and also my trip to Paris and Madrid. Life is good!. *********************************** Halloween is here once again, and I am indoors for the second year in a row. I am have watched as many scary movies as I could, and I had it. It was not until I heard noises outside and Cricket started staring out the window that I finally got freaked out enough to get up and go close the windows. Last year I got off work late and Vince and I just spent the night wrestling naked so that we forgot that we had costumes ready. We forgot the party and we never went out. This year at least Vince made it out, although I had to actually had to pick a fight with the poor man so that he could leave me alone for a few hours. I know he means well, but I need alone time! I need time to check out my e-mails, listen to music or read. I feel like whenever he is around we have to be together all the time. So, tonight I find myself actually wanting to stay home nursing my shoulder; plus the last thing I need is some drunk to hit me on the wound, and tomorrow I get to see the doctor for my post-op and I will be able to find out what my recovery time is supposed to be, and when I can start doing yoga again. At work changes continue, so let's see if I survive this new wave of changes still employed. You know when somebody new comes along up on the top of the food chain, sometimes they like to bring their own crew along. It never stops to amaze me the amount of fear I live in over my job; it is exhausting! There is always a threat on the air; a nasty bitch, an oversensitive person, or a power hungry jerk. The constant trying to make people come together and work as a group is very draining and it doesn't always leaves me with too many friends. The politics of the corporate world is sure one of the things that I have the hardest time dealing with; knowing when to bite my tongue and knowing what battles to fight. I have been blessed to have two very good teachers, so now it is time to see what this new guy will bring to the table. At the same time as I start with a new executive boss, I also start fresh with a new neighbor. I am not sure about this guy. We have a very nice and easy going kind of place going on here, and before he even moves in, there is already a flock of construction workers doing all kinds of changes to our little environment. I hate change, and I hope he turns out to be nice because he got the apartment through my friend Donald's recommendation. If this guy turns out to be a mess, I am going to be sooooo embarrassed. Well, the ranting stops for tonight. It is time to go get my cat away from the window and hope that the witches and goblins stay away. Happy Halloween! *********************************** My surgery was on Friday. I was a bit freaked out because they put me under, however I survived. I am in quite a bit of pain. The pain killers knock me out, so I will be off work for a couple days. I can't wait to go back to exercising and especially my yoga...that made me feel good.
*********************************** Today I found out I am going to need surgery on my shoulder. Working out and yoga have become very painful, so it is time to fix the problem before I get any older. I have not yet been able to relax after my big event last week. I need a day to just chill and recover. This weekend was very interesting; my little brother and his friend came over to go through all my leather and fetish wardrobe. They are getting ready to head to Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, so they needed all my gear. It was funny how detached I have become of my leather stuff. Once it mean so much to me, but now it all seemed so far away and a bit foreign. So, I pass the torch to the younger generation. It is their turn to explore and discover their wild side; hopefully they will be smarter than me. *********************************** I came across Brenda Russell's "Piano in the Dark" on YouTube and it brought so many memories to mind. This reminds me of when I first started to falling in love in my early twenties. This reminds me of my days as a tour guide, and it is one of the very first songs I sang in front of an audience. Long Beach, Laguna Beach, the 80s. This song sums up some pretty amazing times in my life. Well, my last event went pretty well and I feel a big sense of accomplishment. A lot of hard work and preparation, but I am starting to feel a lot more on top of my game, and as impossible as once I believed it would be, I am starting to be able to communicate and anticipate the the places where beast may rebel at. An event for 600 people can be a beast for one person to plan. The amount of preparation was very intense and exhausting, and right now my brain is on numb, and my body aches. I have not been able to go to my yoga classes; mainly because of work, but also because the joints in my shoulders are killing me. I have felt this pain before, back when I used to compete on rodeos, and I am afraid that it might be my rotator cuffs that are damaged again> Tomorrow morning I see the doctor and see if something can be done. I need to exercise if I want to get a hold of my weight. Also, yoga was really making me feel wonderful, and I miss the work out and the peace it was bringing into my life. Vince and I are doing ok, although I am restless. We have difficulty communicating at times, and it worries me. He seems to be afraid to talk to me, and I fear I don't have the patience to wait for him to get the courage to express himself, so I grow frustrated. I know he gets frustrated too. Our plans for Paris and Madrid continue, I am very much looking forward to it. I need a vacation badly. I need to get away and explored, I feel trapped in this freaking town. *********************************** So I begin to write tonight with not much of a path in my head. So many different images and situations influenced my week and weekend that I feel I must reach out. What a ride! Life is this roller coaster that takes you for some very interesting spins. Sex is on my mind. The absence of it. The desire and need that I used to have is not there. Maybe it is stress at work, maybe it is that in my current weight I don't feel sexy, maybe it is just tired of the heat. I don't know how my lover manages to stay with me, I can be a very difficult person. I am experiencing a spiritual kind of hunger, although looking at the current choices in the menu of sources, I don't think I am in the mood for anything traditional. I am really having issues with religion even when I don't practice nor believe in their methods. My yoga sessions do provide about the only physical outlet I am being able to experience lately. I wish I could have a night of dreamless sleep. Just plain good, sweet nonsense of fields and fluffy clouds kind of dreams. A dream with no fear of war, no fear of heartbreak, no fear of pain or loss...just plain no fear. I don't think I am being unrealistic; well, maybe just a tad bit over melodramatic, but then again, what's new!? What a bored, I shouldn't have tried to write tonight. My muse needs to get busy. *********************************** It feels weird to be back to writing here. I have abandoned that side of me for a few months, and somehow it is like loosing a little bit of one self. My friend Robert asked me to start writing again. I met him at Street Bar a couple years ago, and he knew who I was from my web site. He also seems to check my journal to keep himself up to date with my soap opera, and well, I must say thank you Robert for helping me kick start my writing again. I have reached a staggering 260 lbs, and I am worried. Work consumes my life. This last weekend was a bit relaxing, even when I had to work both days; however, I go to spend time with my little brother and his friend visiting from Los Angeles. My friend Patrice from Paris is also here visiting, so it was nice to hang out with friends. Vince and I have settled into a comfortable stage of living. He treats me so wonderfully, and always goes above and beyond wanting to please me. Truly the man should be canonized for putting up with me. I love him. My friend Patrice has bought me a ticket to Paris, so Vince and I have started to make plans for our trip. We will be visiting France and Spain.I have always wanted to visit Spain and this is my chance, we will be arriving in Madrid after the New Year. An old friend of mine, Dean, sent me an e-mail trying to catch up with me. Looking back in retrospective, he was looking for a friend and a connection. I was too busy to reply, and some times it would take months for me to reply to his e-mails. Not so long ago he barricaded himself in his home, took his wife hostage, than proceeded to put a bullet through his brain. I never had the time to answer him. Now trying to reach out is too late. I don't understand why he did it. I am told he was depressed. We all get depressed! I love life, I am so grateful for every second that I live, so I do not understand. My best friend Kathleen has returned from Japan, where she was living for a while with her husband and children, and recently I drove two hundred miles one way in one day, back and forth from Palm Springs to Ventura to go see her. I had to see her, we have been friends for almost 17 years and she knows me and I know her. She is so very important to me, and I did not want to miss another opportunity to see her. Life is so short, and we never know when one of us will flip out. My friend Dean did. So much to tell of what has happened in the last few months that I have neglected my writing, but some of the highlights are: I have gained weight. My blood pressure was high. I started doing yoga. My blood pressure went down. I found out I have what it takes to do my job. I have a hard time dealing with mean nasty people that I have to work with. I am so looking forward to a vacation. I have learned that I have a lot more patience than I originally believed I had. I have found love. I have found out that the corporate environment that I work in has thought me a lot, but is also not the place I am meant to be at for much longer. The hunger for something new stirs deep in me and I keep trying to quiet it down. As much as I want change, I am so attached to my routine. I keep on singing and I feel I have found my voice. When I sing, I am the happiest man in the world... I am angry at what organized religion is doing to our world. Assholes wanting to control each other, hooked in a battle over what god is the right. If that is what the people of god do, I rather remain godless. I hope they get a clue before they kill us all. *********************************** I am exhausted...the last few weeks have been crazy. Work has just engulfed my life and I am putting on my first event for nearly 3,000 people and it is a bit scary. I have been busy with alcohol permits, planning, food, planning, promoting, planning and then having to deal with the client's last minute changes of mind. So this Saturday we will see if I got what it takes to do this job. My first event for two hundred people was a success, but three thousand is quite a different story. Vince and I just finished celebrating his birthday and now we are gearing up for my birthday, which is this coming Monday, but work is keeping me busy. The other day I heard a coworker of mine express shock about people who have online diary's. Of course I don't see anything wrong with it. I think it is a way to connect with others. Some times we go through life thinking that our fears and problems are so unique, when the fact is that we have a lot more in common with most people than we think. This week started with the Virginia Tech murders, over 200 died in Iraq in one explosion and we still keep on living life as if we were eternal. Life is so unpredictable... *********************************** I sit here as my cats are tearing my house apart hunting for a fly that sadly decided to trespass. They already broke a music box, a plant and I just heard another crash from the next room; let's hope they catch the fly soon. I love my new job, although I do run around in a panic most of the time, but I am sure learning a lot. Last weekend Vince and I went to my brother's birthday party and had a great time, although running around in Long Beach was a bit strange. I sure miss that town once in a while. I should try to get a couple entries in here a bit more often. *********************************** Well, isn't funny all the things that can happen in just two months? I am still tossing around the idea of the Bikeathon, however I am having a hard time committing to it. A different position became available at work, I applied and got it. I started two days ago and I love the challenge. My mind is in a much better frame now, I have been exercising and watching what I eat a little more. It is still a bit difficult since the effort to eat healthy only comes from my part, and I don't want to have to stop eating with Vince, since I guess it is part of every relationship to eat together. I am actually very content with life, and I am trying to improve my body and get back on the path of wellness that I have been trying for. Christmas was uneventful. Vince and I had a good time together, however the older I get, the more Bah Humbug I get about the whole thing. If only there was something I could do to fight boredom. *********************************** A couple of my coworkers have chuckled at the idea of me doing the AIDS Bikeathon, but on the same token, I also had a couple other coworkers jump in and start pumping me with information about what I need if I am really serious about biking 465 miles. Although they laugh at me, I am curious about my own capabilities. I know that physically I am not fit. I have gotten too fat, however one of my coworkers got me a book on how to diet and eat right, and the other is giving me tips on landmarks I need to achieve to reach my goal. I need to start training and start watching what I eat, exercise and just plain and simple start convincing myself that I can do it. I am soooo excited about it, but at the same time I am afraid of failure. I am afraid to try something else that I am not going to finish. I need to be committed, and the first step is say I will do this. I can do it and I WILL DO IT! Funny how sometimes people that you least expect it, give you inspiration. *********************************** There comes times in life when you look around and you have nothing to bitch about. You stand there and suddenly you realize that you are happy. Last week as my coworker and I were walking down one of the hallways at work, I saw a pamflet for the AIDS Bikeathon from San Francisco to Los Angeles, and being as impulsive as I am, I decided at that moment that I should give it a try and see if I can do it. New chapter begins. Suddenly, I have a quest! The boyfriend has been acting kind of weird. The other night he explained that he is bothered by the lack of attention that he gets when we are together, and that bothers me since I really try to make sure that he always feels included. Strange, I never thought that my lover would be competing against me for attention. Men are weird little critters, aren't we? I can't help it if I am popular! *********************************** The other day I heard that men have two basic emotions; horny and hungry. So if you look at your man and he does not have a hard on, make him a sandwich...:) After a week in bed due to bronchitis Monday came like a welcome distraction. I saw enough movies and hanged out with my cats until they were sick of me. Vince was a sweetheart and took very good care of me during my time down. Talk about instant Karma, I guess because of his insistence to play nurse and still spend time with me, he ended up sharing my germs, so now I am the one taking care of him. Geez, the guy is a whiner when it comes to being sick! He leaves Latin people behind when it comes to drama and being pouty...LOL The week did start in a very good note I must confess. Remember all that drama I went through, taking that really strong medication that made me feel like shit, gave me the panic attacks, and had me down and blue? Well, it worked. The doctor said that he was dumbfounded about the fact that although I am HIV positive, I was able to stay in the treatment and actually beat the disease. He looked at me and said "You are cured!" I sat there for a couple minutes letting it sink in. I had been preparing myself for the worst...I guess I spent so much time thinking about how to deal with the bad news, I forgot to think of a positive outcome. Then, I thanked the doctor, I thanked the nurses, I called my Mom, I called Vince, I called Dave, I told my boss, my coworkers and finally, that night in the darkness of my room I bowed my head and I thanked God. Suddenly I realize that I am not as agnostic as I thought I was. I am a lucky man. Some times we are hesitant to acknowledge our blessings in the fear of attracting bad luck to those things we cherish. Maybe afraid that if we recognize something as a positive, some sort of fateful grimm reaper will come and take it away. Anyhow, this is a moment in life when I become grateful for what I am, grateful for my health, my family, my lover, my friends, my job and the heart and mind that allows me to enjoy all of my blessings with passion. I become thankful for having a voice that I can sing with. I am gay and I am Latin and I fucking LOVE DRAMA!! It is such a human emotion. *********************************** I lost!!!! Alas my friends! My team and I are doomed to wonder in the eternal fog of Looser's Ville due to my failure to even place among the top three winners at the Talent Show!!! The shame! The pain! The SORROW!!! Ok, ok, enough drama...I have bronchitis! What did you expected?? Time to take some Theraflu, take my antibiotics and hit the sack. Tomorrow is another day.  - Get Your Own*********************************** Noon. Here I sit in my living room with the blinds half open, the lap top on my legs, in my underwear and smelling of Vick's Vapor Rub. The dishes are piled in the sink, right next to the crumpled wrappers of the breakfast burrito that Vince dropped by this morning. Day two of staying home from work is halfway through and I am starting to suffer of cabin fever. I hate being sick. I hate being sick and being at home. If I am going to be sick and miserable, at least would be half ok if I was at work, however the doctor said to stay in bed for a couple days and that I am contagious. So, here I sit coughing, hacking, blowing my nose and feeling miserable. The true misery of it all is that tomorrow night I am supposed to sing at the Museum at the Palm Springs Museum of Art, and my vocal chords are trashed. My coworkers have been learning my song in case they have to be my understudies, which is sweet, scary and comical. I have been receiving a lot of e-mail asking why I have not been writting on my diary. Well, the truth is that sometimes, in order to write something, you have to experience it first. I write best about things that happen to me, and in order to write about them, they have to occur. The last month I had allowed the blues to take over me. I been feeling depressed because of all the weight I gained, the lack of sexual stamina, my failed attempt of going back to school and the fact that I am haunted at every turn with people who look at me and tell me how big I have gotten. I know they don't do it intentionally, but hearing it over and over makes me want to just stay home. The weekend was good; Palm Springs celebrated Gay Pride, and Vince and I hit the town and had a great time. We drank, we ate, we shopped and we went to my friend's Matthew's party. So, here I sit, sick and coughing at home, while the autumn day calls me from the outside inviting me to go out. Vince will stop by on the way home, and I feel bad for him because I got him sick too. I love that man! *********************************** Life goes on... I am working a lot, going to school, trying to keep my relationship going, and still trying to find a little time for myself. I am very busy. I am very exhausted. Vince and I had a great time up in Folsom Street. He has been to San Francisco many, many times, however I took him for the first time on a bay cruise, we got several Irish Coffees down at Buena Vista, and for the first time I took him on a cable car. It was great to see him enjoy all of those things. I introduced him to my friends John and Bobby and we had a great time. I will be updating the galleries so you can see pictures from that trip. *********************************** I have gotten fat, very, very fat. My days as a sex symbol are no more. I am at 250 lbs, the heaviest I have ever been. I avoid mirrors when naked, don't fit into any of my clothes, I avoid sex and much rather spend time with a Klondike Bar than in the gym. Vince doesn't seem to mind, which is good because it wouldn't make a difference if he did. The doctor told me that I am depress since all I want to do is sleep and eat, and sleep and eat. My nights are full of nightmares and little sleep. Vince has never been to Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, so we are going to expose the man to his virgin tour of a world of debauchery and excess. Will give more details of what has been going on with me when I feel like it. Right now, all I want to do is hide. *********************************** This month has been a weird one. Since I stopped my medications, I had been feeling on top of the world and great for the first few weeks; however as the weeks progress I find myself sinking into a dull stage. I spend most of my time tired and feeling exhausted, cranky and blue. Poor Vince gets the bad end of things because I am just no fun to be around, and all I want to do is sleep. I have lost interest in sex altogether and even going to the gym doesn't give me any energy. I have gained about 20 pounds and all I want to do is eat and sleep, and eat and sleep and be left alone. At work some changes are taking place as well, and I can't even get excited over that. Some great career opportunities are dawning in the horizon, and things look good, but I feel like I am dragging. A big factor to this funky period I think has to do with the fact that the weather is beyond horrible. The first part of the month we went through a series of pretty bad fires in the area. Clouds of smoke rose into the air like an atomic mushroom and the heat, wind and air quality was pretty bad. From those infernal days we moved into a humid mess. The temperatures have been searing around 120 degrees every day, the water in the pool is as hot as the water in the jacuzzi, and the moisture in the air is about 20% and more at times. I have also learned that a friend of mine is going around homeless and sleeping in parks. He has been banned from several bars in the area because he goes through some periods when he becomes rather agressive, and customers freak out watching him talk to himself. He is a dear friend of mine, but he has no family and I don't know what to do. He seems reluctant to talk about the issue, and last time I tried to make contact he turned rather aggressive with me. I wish I could help, but I don't know how to go about it. What do you do when a friend goes crazy and starts talking to trees? My first guess what drugs, after all Meth is the drug of choice around here, but somehow, he does not seem to be on drugs. The speed signs are not present. Actually he seems to be going crazy. Chemical imbalance...but how can you force someone to take their meds!! It is frustrating. *********************************** Today was back to work. It sure was nice to have a three day weekend for 4th of July and get away from the office, relax and hang out. Vince and I spent time cleaning the apartment, moving stuff around to make room for his stuff now that he has moved in, and we spent time going shopping, hitting the movies, cooking, karaoking, going out, having sex and soaking by the pool. My biggest challenge now remains to be able to focus on keeping myself healthy and sane, which is not easy to do with the demands that professional life places on one's lap; however I am excited since I have made up my mind and have decided to go back to school and take some classes to get my old brain working. I really want to put the focus on my writting. Adjusting to being without my meds has been more of a challenge than I expected. When I was on medication, somehow I could always blame my mood swings on the fact that I was on medication; however now I am not on medication, it leaves me thinking that maybe I am just an unstable ass...LOL. Now that is disturbing. Tomorrow I am expecting a visit from my far past. In 1995 I lost my lover Ryan to AIDS. It was a very painful process for him (especially,) his family and I. At least Ryan had morphine to numb the pain and cloud his mind. His mom and I took care of him until he died. Today I got a call from her, and she is coming to visit and have lunch with me tomorrow. It is a decade since he died and I am still haunted by his sunken eyes and the wounds on his skin. I remember when he told me he was dying and he broke down crying. I remember he handled the whole thing with dignity. I remember sitting with him through his chemo sessions and holding his hand. I remember running around after him with the trash can when the chemo would make him sick, and I remember how distraught he was when the first KS lesion showed up on his dick. Then I also remember staying in the room alone with him after he had passed away and his family had taken his mom home. I remember standing there next to the bed waiting for the the hospital staff to come put him in a body-bag. Then worst of all, I remember when I walked away and I took the longest elevator ride heading down the five floors of the hospital, crumbling inside with the descending feeling; falling in slow motion into despair that only unstoppable grief can provide. I love his mom and I know she loves me a lot. With time as life went on, she tried to hook me up with other guys, saying I should move on. The only problem about tomorrow's visit is that every time that I see her, the pain and the memories come back like a tsunami. Her tears and her pain shines through her smiling front, and my loss becomes new. It is hard to believe that he has been dead for 11 years this month. *********************************** OK, I had toooooooo many cocktails tonight. There I sat at the bar singing my little hear out, Vince and Paul on the other side of the counter serving me many drinks. I am a sloppy drunk when I get to that point. Plus I become quite a ham. *********************************** Last night I didn't get much sleep. I tossed and turned all night, with erratic and disturbing sleep patches. In the dream, I found my self in a castle under siege. It was a tall, grey stone structure sitting on the crown of a tall peak. At one point I realized that I was carrying a sword and a shield, so I knew I was at war, and I could see other men engaged in battle and bloody fighting around me. I stood in the middle of a great hall where an orgy of killing was taking place all around me. As soon as I became aware of my surroundings, I was engaged by two knights, which I dispatched quickly and easily with moves and strength that I never knew I had. I found myself intoxicated with courage and full of confidence I looked around seeing who else was coming my way, but everybody else in the room seemed to be too busy killing each other to pay attention to me. This of course, was a big disappointment to me since my heart was beating fast and I was ready to kick butt. That is when I saw the black door on a dark hallway wall beyond the fighting. The door was a typical medieval castle door. Not that I have a great knowledge of doors, but from my experience of reading fairy tales as a child, it was the sort of door that you expected to find in a dark medieval castle, it was a forbidden door. The top of the door frame was designed with curves that met in a pointy end; it was not your usual square door frame. I was transfixed by the door and what lay behind it. I approached the door slowly and undisturbed by the fighting around me, I took hold of the handle and I pulled it towards me. I felt the heaviness of it as it opened slowly almost in a welcoming manner. Behind the door lay a very small landing, with the walls and floor made with the same gray stones. Behind the landing I saw a narrow set of stone stairs leading upward in a curve towards the right, with a small glow of light coming from somewhere up above. At that moment I realized that I was not protecting the castle, I was actually part of the invading force and a realized that I had just stepped into royal quarters. I knew I was about to enter forbidden territory. The heart of the castle laid in front of me. Sword and shield in hand, I slowly started to climb the stairs. One step at a time, I rose sensing danger and dread, afraid of what I might find at its end, and yet I continued on. I finally got to the end of the stairs, which came to another landing. This time the landing was a long and narrow balcony with a rickety small door on the wall at the end of it, and the source of the soft glow was the sunlight coming through the high windows of the great hall. I looked down and noticed the dead bodies lying on the ground. I also saw the brave knights engaged in killing and recalled my courage after my smooth contribution of dispatching two of them. By this point, I had reached the end of the balcony, and I turned to face the last door. This door did not posses the strength fancy character of the first door. It was smaller in size, so that the top of the frame was at about my nose level. The door was an old door. The wood boards that form the door ran vertically. I could also see the beams on the inside of the doors that ran across holding the boards together and the black paint that covered the door was badly dinged and peeling in many places. The wood was so decayed that there were gaps between the boards, and I could see a soft golden glow coming from inside. I bent down and put my eye to one of the gaps and I saw a very lavish room inside. All in it was inviting and warm. The soft glow came from several candles illuminating the richly decorated chamber. There was a fire place that burnt deliciously in the corner of the room with what seemed to be an ivory mantel with detail engravings. The bed was a four post royal bed, with gold engravings everywhere, obviously the bed of a king. The bed had a red velvet spread that draped dramatically from the bed, and the sheets seem like golden silk. I also could hear the some whispering of male voices and for a fraction of a second I saw the figure of two beautifully built naked male bodies flash past the gap of boards. I felt my desire arouse in me as I pulled away from the door. That is when I saw something that I had not seen before in my approach. To the right of the door there was a red button on a golden frame, obviously a door bell. Right below the door bell, there was a black plastic plaque screwed to the wall that read "DO NOT DISTURB" in big letters, followed by a smaller sentence that read "Do not ring the door bell. The creatures inside will devour you." Ok, ok, I know you must be thinking there were no door bells with buttons in medieval times, and plastic was yet to be invented, but come on and give me a break, it was a dream! I turned around to look back down on the great hall, but the fighting was over and the room silent and empty. I found it odd that there were no bodies or blood anywhere and I wondered how they had cleaned up the mess so quickly. With the shock, I woke up and sat on my bed. I sat there a few seconds just listening to my heart race and the cool breeze from the fan soothing and refreshing after the heat of battle. Vince snored softly next to me deep in his own dreamland and my cat Julia sound sleep at his feet. I got up from bed and walked to the living room and sat on one of my big chairs facing the big sliding window framing the pool, palm trees and dark mountains as a backdrop. The night was still and hot. Somewhere in the neighborhood I could hear a nightingale singing his night song, only disturbed once by a car racing down Ramon Road about a half a block away and the constant sound of the water in the fountain at the other side of the pool. My heart was still racing, and I held my face between my hands as I tried to recall all the details of my dream. I was exhausted after a horrible week at work with many sleepless nights, which had ended with my getting reprimanded by my boss for a choice made earlier that week. I had miss handled a situation, and suddenly, all the hard work of two years and a very carefully crafted image was wiped clean, leaving me only with a "Problem Child" stamp across my forehead. After I had calmed down a bit, I crawled by into bed next to my bed partners, and it was not long before exhaustion and restless sleep overtook me again. Falling sleep was like falling into a dark abyss, where strange images were spiraling away from me as I plummeted back to the dark pitfall of the dream. I was aware at that moment of what was happening, the dread increase and suddenly I found myself standing back on the balcony next to the creepy door with the soft glow. I approached the door again, and this time I heard the manly voices laughing. I wanted to see their naked bodies again. My eyes were drawn upon the doorbell button again and the sign heed its warning once again. So, either driven by courage or foolishness, my finger press the button and I waited to see for signs of movement.
*********************************** Today I gave Vince keys to my place. Wow! He did not ask for them, this came completely out of me. I explained that I still want my freedom and my privacy, but at the same time I am giving him keys to my house. I feel like I am contradicting myself, and yet, I want him to have access to my house and my place and I like him being here. He treats me like I am royalty. Maybe in his brain he thinks I am a spoiled ego maniac, or maybe just crazy. Maybe he is masochistic and he is looking for punishment by persuing me, but I have to applaud the guy for having such great taste. I love it when he sees me and suddenly I notice his dick erected. And I love giving myself completely to him because I know he rewards my desire with incredible love making. Once again, very interesting behavior coming from a man like me... *********************************** I am back to work and I am glad. I have been spending too much time celebrating birthdays, and I am exhausted. Vince and I have been spending a lot of time together and I feel we are getting along pretty good. He is extremely sweet, loving and sexually takes me to some pretty incredible places. We both love food and we both love reading books and music. He also encourages me to sing and loves to go with me to hear me at karaoke. Little by little, I am starting to miss when I don't wake up in his arms, and I find myself calling him often and wanting to be together. Very interesting behavior coming from a man like me... *********************************** *********************************** Well, vacationing with your parents sure is a different deal than I expected. I had to do a lot more parentsitting than I was expecting. By the time they went back home and I had a couple days to relax and try to have some fun, I was too pooped out to do anything or anybody. Still it was great spending time with my folks and showing my mom the city for the first time. We did all the touristy things; cable cars, Lombard Street, Coit Tower, Golden Gate Bridge, cruise of the bay and Alcatraz, Irish Coffees at the Buena Vista, and DimSum in ChinaTown. My friends John and Bobby took me to a couple of very good restaurants, and we brunched on Easter Sunday at a fabulous restaurant by the name of Mecca. It was wonderful catching up with them, I love those guys and we been friends now for 20 years. I love San Francisco. The city is exciting and such a cultural melting pot that always has the same energizing and inspirational effect on me. San Francisco is a muse like no other I have ever encountered. All and all, I had a good time, got away from this environment and it was a great inspirational trip. It recharged my batteries and allowed me to get inspired on a couple projects. I came home to Vince's arms and now it is time to prepare for my birthday party this coming weekend. I sure missed Vince while I was away, which in itself it is an interesting development. Even as I sit here writing this entry, he sits reading a book quietly behind me and there is a warm comfort knowing he is around me. It is so exciting and scary at the same time. I am getting old! 40 sure sounds old to me. *********************************** Another sunny and beautiful day in Palm Springs. Tonight was a crazy day. Work was supper busy, did my taxes, picked up my meds, busy bee, busy bee. Last night I took Vince out to dinner for his birthday. I really like him. He provides me with a safe environment to be myself, and allows me my moods. I am soooooo excited about my upcoming vacation next week. I can't wait. I can't wait to show the city of San Francisco to my Mom and my StepDad. I am exhausted. *********************************** Another sunny and beautiful day in Palm Springs. Here I am having a lazy Sunday afternoon, hanging out in my underwear, listening to music, making candles, recovering from a wild night of sex and trying to keep my mind from thinking about work. Today I sent out the invitations to my birthday gathering in April. I will be turning 40! Wow, I am getting old! I have planned a very easy-going evening with my friends, eating cake, munchies and drinking martinis. On a different subject, things at work keep on stressing me out. Lately it feels like the pressure is overwhelming and even when I am sitting at home trying to relax, work issues seem to dance around in my head. I sure need my vacation and I am sooooo looking forward to it if I still have a job by then. I am now going to take a nap, maybe watch a movie, figure out what I want to do for dinner and go out tonight with Vince to sing karaoke, probably followed by another crazy night of sex. Well, I hope anyway...:) *********************************** Another sunny and beautiful day in Palm Springs. Here I am having a lazy Sunday afternoon, hanging out in my underwear, listening to music, making candles, recovering from a wild night of sex and trying to keep my mind from thinking about work. Today I sent out the invitations to my birthday gathering in April. I will be turning 40! Wow, I am getting old! I have planned a very easy-going evening with my friends, eating cake, munchies and drinking martinis. On a different subject, things at work keep on stressing me out. Lately it feels like the pressure is overwhelming and even when I am sitting at home trying to relax, work issues seem to dance around in my head. I sure need my vacation and I am sooooo looking forward to it if I still have a job by then. I am now going to take a nap, maybe watch a movie, figure out what I want to do for dinner and go out tonight with Vince to sing karaoke, probably followed by another crazy night of sex. Well, I hope anyway...:) *********************************** It is a beautiful day here in Palm Springs. The morning is crisp and fresh and I will be going out to the pool side to get warmed by the sun in a couple minutes. Work has me very stressed out, and I fear that at times I react too fast and from the heart instead of the brain. Life goes on and I am looking forward to my vacation in April. I am going to be escaping the White Party madness and heading up north to get away from all the pretty label people pouring into town. The White Party in my experience usually focuses around two things, guys with limp dicks because they are high on meth, and pompous, label loving artificial queens. So to leave town for the weekend sounds very good. *********************************** Well, I have been spending time with Vince and I am having fun. He is very sweet and tries to understand how my medications affect me. Yesterday he let me shave his head and he looks very sexy. Yesterday we stayed in my place, rented a bunch of movies, and since the sky was gloomy and very windy over Palm Springs, I made a large pot of chicken soup, Vince bought a big loaf of French bread, and we sat down and pigged out and did nothing but watch TV, with a few sex breaks. Saturday night was a surreal night. Talk about going down the wrong rabbit's hole. I went to my brother's birthday party in Long Beach, only to find out that he is gay. Not because he told me, but because everyone there seemed to know a lot more about him than I did. Not that it comes as a full surprise to me, but the fact that he never felt the need to tell me left me kind of dumbfounded and a bit hurt. So, I guess mom is stuck with my two cats for grandchildren. My biggest concern is how blind I was to what was going on in his life. Thank God in this situation, he has a double life, but his double life is rather good. Great career, hot and fabulous boyfriend, trips and a really fun bunch of friends. So I guess now it is just a matter of time before we have our little chat about where he is at, and how I can get closer to him. My friend Chaz, who just moved into the same complex where I live, was chatting with me this morning, and telling me that his aunt just committed suicide. Her family lived all around her, but ever since loosing her husband a few years back, she just stopped wanting to live. So, she put and end to her life. Are we all leading a secret life that those close to us don't know about? Is it due to a lack of being able to connect? Is it loneliness and fear of rejection? That is so sad. Most of us are surrounded by love, and we can't see it. Maybe we are looking so hard for what we want, that we forget to be glad for those things that we do have. *********************************** Compromise, settle, integrity. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. *********************************** I wonder what the stars and planets are up to up there. The deep emotional turmoil has lifted like a fog and suddenly my hunger for life rushes back in with the dawn. I am ravenous! My appetite is back, and suddenly I can't get enough of ANYTHING. I have gone into a primal, cave man mentality where all I want to do is fuck and eat, eat and fuck. I am horny and hungry ALL the time. Vince took my out to dinner at the Red Tomato and we had a good meal. Their cheese ravioli is just great! I am oversexed, tired, stuffed and now melancholic. *********************************** Trying to get into the lobster buffet was laughable. We walked in and suddenly we realized that half of the Coachella Valley somehow found out about the lobster buffet, so we ended up going across the street to the hotel's restaurant, which was most definitely NOT the Lobster Fest I was hoping for. Camaron que se duerme, se lo lleva la corriente. To change the subject to a matter that currently circles in my mind, what could possibly be wrong with a kiss? Everything if one or the other is holding back something. In my book, a kiss is the equivalent of looking into somebody's eyes, and when a kiss is reserved, there is something there that is trying to be concealed. *********************************** Today I woke up to a crisp, cool morning. Vince and I walked over to Starbucks for coffee and some sweet bread. I am going shopping later on and tonight probably hit the lobster buffet at the casino. *********************************** What a strange weekend I had. What I thought would be a simple visit from an old friend, turned into a series of revelations about myself that I was not ready to deal with. *********************************** Well, Sunday night I decided to go out after work. I first went to Club Whatever and sang a little karaoke. The evening was boring and I headed back to Palm Springs and ended up going into Street Bar. *********************************** I never realized how much of a pack rat I had become until this move. I been taking box after box full of junk to Revivals. It is not like there is anything of true value among the stuff. In a away it is refreshing to let go of some stuff. Some times we hang on to keep sakes that remind us of a special place or person, but there comes time in life, when you clean, dust and get ready for renewal. *********************************** Well, my apartment is coming into shape nicely. There are still piles and boxes, but every day less and less. I like my new space a lot. I got my favorite round chairs out, low to the ground with cushions for back up, and I placed them facing the pool. I sit here at night with the blinds pulled out of the way, looking out staring at the pool, the dark mountain over the city and the palm trees swinging on the breeze, and this is the Palm Springs experience I wanted and dreamed of at one time. I LOVE my new space, my cats are much happier too. My friend Chris from Long Beach, contacted me today and wants to come spend time with me for a few days. He is doing some self work workshops and currently they are dealing with brotherhood; he said, "when I think of brotherhood, you always come to mind'" Brotherhood, what is it? When desire is part of the equation, how close can we get to someone before desire spoils brotherhood. Can people who have sexual attraction to one another achieve brotherhood and ignore desire? Does brotherhood rule out sex? *********************************** Amazing all the things that can happen in a little less than a week. A one bedroom unit became available in my apartment complex and I have decided to make the jump and get a larger place. Of course this means I have to watch my spending a bit more, but having the extra space makes it worth it. I am tickled pink with my new place. The move left me pretty exhausted and on top of my meds, all the stress had me a bit down. My mom decided to bring me my dinning room set that I had been storing in her garage, and she and my step dad showed up with my furniture and also a bag of pastries stuffed with meat, which they bought in Little Saigon. What happened next was not pretty. The last five days I spent sitting in the toilet, which culminated in a trip to the urgent care clinic yesterday, where I passed out and I had to be pumped with over four liters of liquid to bring me back. My legs were cramping and I was weak as hell and the doctor explained that I was suffering of extreme dehydration. They also had to shave parts of my chest to put on the EKG plugs thingies to keep an eye on my heart since my vital signs were so low. So now my hairy chest looks like a Cashmere sweater that was washed on hot water and bleach. In the mean time, my boss and coworkers were worried about me and thinking I was passed out in my new apartment and they had no idea where I had moved to. My friends Dave and Donald were also a bit freaked out because they could not find me, and that night they came over and brought me matzo ball soup and Gatorade, which were the only things that my stomach could handle. I love those guys, they are sure a blessing in my life. Other than feeling the love from those around me, the other good thing about it was that the doctor was really cute, and he did a rectal exam; I think I am in love...LOL Now I am on a diet of liquids, Jell-O, bananas and dates. Since I have not been able to eat solid food for over 5 days, a double bacon cheeseburger sounds sooooo good, but I think it would be suicide at this point. *********************************** Well, let me explain why there was a break of a few months in my site, and why for a long time there was no site at all. This journal has been a very good thing for me to keep my sanity through all this transitions and getting used to dealing with the side effects of my medications. Work has been very difficult because of the way I feel most of the time. I am irritable and as cranky as a bitter old woman who hasn't experienced an orgasm in years. The holidays came and went without much ado. The Vinny stage of my life is over, and thank God I been able to let it go and moved on without much damage to my heart. I am not dating anybody currently, which might be the best thing to do, because even when I try hard, I just don't feel well and my attitude and mood swings don't necessarily make me the catch of the day. Actually, some times my mood is so nasty I can't even stand myself. A couple months ago, an old fuck buddy resurfaced, and I have spent a few nights in his arms. Sex whit Michael is wonderful, although it doesn't happen much because of me, but he seems to enjoy my company, and I enjoy being in his arms with my face pressed to his hairy chest. I am also very realistic when it comes to where this could go; he is a good looking man with quite a following of play buddies. I believe he likes men a little on the younger and on the gorgeous side, and well, I am almost 40, sickly at the moment, experiencing outbursts of assholeness, so my chances to capture his full attention are not good. I am putting no expectations on our time together and I am just grateful to have those arms once in a while to fall sleep in. The downfall with love is our primal need to posses it. Instead of trying to capture it, I just need to learn to enjoy those precious moments, and then set them free, let them go. Enjoy, love and release. How can ask for eternal love, from a mere mortal? *********************************** Why did I stay away for so long? Well, let's just say that I needed to. The meds are still kicking my butt as far as the side effects, however it is doing wonders as far as doing its job, so it is just a matter to hang in there for the rest of the treatment. Six months will go by quickly I hope.
I still spend a lot of time irritated and not feeling well, so I really have to put all my efforts at not being an ass at work. Unfortunately, sometimes my meds kick in an I go through a Jeckill and Hyde stage, which can only be compared to those times of the month mood swings that I see my female friends go through. *********************************** I just couldn't stay away. My site and journal are back online *********************************** So life is back to normal, which means my
meds keep making me feel nauseous and sick and I hate men. I don’t want
to be touched or even looked at, but I am horny as hell. Last Sunday’s sweet kissing moment
was fun but it sure was a mismatch! My friend DJ told me that it was my fault
for sharing too much too early, however, if this guy could not handle where I
have been, there no use to go anywhere forward. And so, head held high, our hero swears off
men, and decides to only date his right hand. *********************************** Well, I guess I have to work on timing; Larry
chocked up on noodles as I was explaining that I am not as angelical as he
might have been expecting. He turned up to be a lot more prudish than
I anticipated. No sex thought. Heavy petting, but no sex, and he is such a good kisser. *********************************** After a few days that were filled with a
groggy head and a bad mood, my good spirits finally returned. Today, as I wrestled boredom in my apartment,
and after a couple hisses from my cat that told me that he had enough torture
and wanted to be left alone, I headed for Everything was “the usual.”
Same people, same songs, same people, same songs, same people. Old man Harry,
with whom I often sit down with and share on his popcorn as we criticize the
other patron’s singing skills, mentioned that I looked restless.
Looking in retrospective, I guess I was. I got up, sang my heart out, which brought
me a good little round of applause, and as I strutted toward my sit next to
Harry, I noticed the most amazing, beautiful set of eyes. Slender, tall, dark and handsome sitting at
the end of the counter right next to the video games machine. So what’s
a man to do? I reached into my pocket, pulled out a quarter to feed the
machine, and I walked over to check out this fine looking man. Once I got a closer look, I recognized the
face. I had certainly seen him before around the bar, and he introduced
himself as Larry. A couple smiles later, conversation was
established and I found myself slowly getting lost in his eyes. The color was
awesome! Lighter than honey with hints of green, and sweetness and
friendliness that pulled me like a magnet. He also smiled at me with the most amazing,
beautifully-shaped, luscious lips that were screaming to be kissed, framed by
a perfectly trimmed goatee. He seemed a little aloof, but there was a
certain hesitation to looking into each others eyes for too long, which
intrigue me further. I turned my charm on high and used the loudness of the
music to dare a closer physical approach, and brush the back of my fingers
across his knee. Then came a really wonderful conversation
that amazingly matched many of our likes; the cherry on top of the cake came
when we both started to do imitations of Peter Sellers in “Murder by
Death,” and cracking each other up. Then he mentioned that he had never seen me
smile so much, and I think I blushed self consciously, but I could not stop
smiling. His energy and aura were intoxicating, and
suddenly, and for the first time in the last few months, I forgot the fact
that I had experienced boredom on most of my weekends, and that my
medications had made me feel nauseous and sick. He told me about a shrimp (actual shellfish)
that was giving him problems at work, which I started to bring up and teased
him about. Then he commented about the beauty of my
lips, which earned him some major points. I commented on the kissability of his, and after a small hesitant moment, his
head reached forward and so did mine until our lips met. The rush from our kiss almost knocked me
off my stool, but then his open palm pressed against my check and he pulled
my face into a deeper kiss. We talked music, movies, travel, food,
dancing and work. My friend Kevin approached us, and through
a very sweet gesture to ask for our help in helping somebody recently zero
converted, was questioning both of us about our HIV status. I immediately stated positive, as my
beautiful new friend said negative; and automatically I found myself pulling
my hand back. Then another amazing thing happened; his hand reached out and
pulled my hand into a slight tight grip, and his eyes looked into mine and
said “It is ok with me.” Just like that, Kevin took care of that
subject. Then the kissing stopped being shy, which
was proceeded by a little more music and a little more kissing inside my van. Although the moon and my hardon were full,
and a Kevin-induced out-of-timing confession was out of the way, I proceeded
with an invitation to see each other after he gets out of work tomorrow and
Larry said yes. So, now I sit here back in my apartment,
looking out at the full moon, listening to Billy Holiday and still
experiencing goose bumps recalling those honey eyes, and those kisses that
made shudder. *********************************** Today I went to the doctor and I came out
with a prescription for antibiotics and antihistamines to clear my sinus,
plus antidepressants to counter the Mega-Creep that I have turned into due to
my other meds. I am on so many medications, that I would
not be surprised if I start radioactively glowing any time soon. *********************************** The secret weapon against my mood is music
and signing to others. I am always the happiest while singing. *********************************** Cunt. Raw…perhaps,…but
CUNT nonetheless. That is the only way to describe what I have
turned into. A mean, sour, overmedicated, unfriendly asshole. Really! Not even I can stand myself! I am as cheerful as a constipated parakeet
going through a meat grinder. My coworkers walk around me on egg shells
and live in constant fear of I get cabin fever if I stay home, and if I
go out to the bar I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t want
people to touch me and I don’t want to hear other people’s
problems. My patience level has dropped so much that I am now in the minus. About the only persons that can stand me
are Dave and Donald, and honestly some times I think they are faking it. This medication may save my life, but it
sure taking a toll on my social life. Well, to be honest, it is the fact that my
social life got a little on the wild side, which in turn put me in the
position where I have to take this medications. Thus we find our hero, sitting at home,
complaining about no social life. Talk about going full circle…LOL I am lonely. I am horny! Unfortunately in my current
mood, not even my dildo wants anything to do with me. *********************************** Looking back from where I stand, this year
has certainly been full of challenges. Professional achievements, heartbreaks and
growing up have sure made this year interesting to say the least. As Mom always preaches, what doesn’t
kill you, makes you stronger. My journal is now one year old. A year of
my life documented for all to see. *********************************** I was tired and restless last night when I
got off work, so I figure it was time to take a sleeping pill. BAD IDEA! The meds I am on give me some pretty nasty
nightmares, and all I did by taking a sleeping pill was to make sure that I
could not escape from the horrors that my brain and meds had stirred up in
the shape of nightmares. So, after a night of being shot at by mad mobs,
being chased by zombies and H.P. Lovecraft’s
monsters coming at me from every direction, I am on my way to work tired and
freaked out. I could really use a margarita about now. *********************************** I think my body is starting to normalize
itself with this new meds. I am able to function better and my spirits are stretching
their wings and trying them out. My old self returns slowly, although I am
still a bit depressed, I think that the exercise is doing wonders for me. If
anything, it is sure making my legs and ass look fabulous. The one drawback
is that my legs and ass muscles ache like there is no tomorrow; people
watching me walk at work must wonder why I am walking funny or if I got a
good pounding, however it is nothing as fun as they imagine. My whole department and many directors are
on vacation, or planning on going soon, which leaves a few of us guarding the
fort. I feel trusted, I love that. The power of staying in a positive mind
frame is amazing. Doing whatever it takes to muddle through the mud with a
smile and a cheerful outlook helps to make it at the end. The weather took a turn and the humidity
has dropped! You can actually walk out side and enjoy it. Ok, I met a guy that is not only handsome and
sexy, but seems nice. I wonder what will happen there. He seems to be
experiencing some transition in his life, so must proceed with caution. Why
is it so hard to make a friend around here? *********************************** Ten more days and this journal will be having
its first birthday. One year of sharing my crazy little life. I feel like a
completely different person than where I started at, that is life I guess. I got up this morning and walked my 5
miles, ran errands and treated myself to a good breakfast. It was a crazy day, full of work related
stuff with a lot of hard decisions to make, still, at the end of the day, I
walked away from work feeling I had accomplished a great deal, bonded with a
few people (which is my job,) and best of all, I got wonderful recognition
for my year long efforts. I have been at this job for almost a year,
WOW! Time sure flies. It is a wonder to me how much confidence I
have gain over the last year when it comes to decision making skills. The key to success
is to treat others the way you would like to be treated. It is that simple. This job allows me to help people, which I
absolutely love. I have also met some incredible people who have inspired and
coached me along the way and the learning curve has been extremely
interesting. I guess what prompts much of my pride is
that I have been able to accomplish a lot in the last few months, despite the
fact that I have been feeling like shit due to my medications. Vinny stopped calling. I guess I stopped calling too. *********************************** At work I am starting to be my old self. I
feel confidence slowly possess me and give me a bust I needed badly. I guess
I am finally adjusting not only physically, but also mentally to my new meds. I can’t believe that I have been
working at this place for almost a year. Wow, the things I have learned leave
me in awe. Tomorrow is my performance review, so in a moment of truce and
quiet, I look at all that I have done in one year, and find a great sense of
peace and accomplishments. I have been experiencing some of the worst
medical experiences while trying to remain focus and my professional life.
Many times I thought I would not achieve it. The problems don’t end, but the
relationships grow stronger. I wish I had this power outside of work and that
loneliness would relent. It is amazing to see my team mates acting jealous of
my communications with superiors and employees. We’ll see what the boss has to say
tomorrow. On a separate note, Mom leaves for I haven’t heard from my brother, the
little creep. My job presents me with everyone’s
problems. There are those that I try to help, there are those who only want
advice on how to dig their own ditch, and those I am helpless against. There are those that I take come and as I
lay down to sleep, keep going around in my head like a mad carrousel. ************************************ My car’s air conditioning, clutch and
stereo have gone caputz! Life is miserable in ************************************ Just when the weather started to get dry as
we are used to here in the desert, the sky opened up like there was no
tomorrow and a maddening storm pounded What really annoys me is the fact that I
don’t know if I hate it because I just hate it, or is it a side effects
of the freaking meds I am on or a combination of both. Today’s big problem at work was a
hotdog. Somebody’s hurt feelings over a hotdog! So of course I had to
do the perspective speech and try and solve things. Don’t laugh! Some times a hotdog is
all about I can handle. ************************************ Today my boss confirmed that there is still
life in some gray cells in my head. We had a meeting and all the answers he
gave us I had already arrived to prior to the meeting. Geez!
That feels fantastic. I had to deal with a disgruntled employee
that refuses to communicate properly. He wants his opinions to be heard, but
he is not willing to compromise and listen. After a very frustrating
discussion with this guy, I walked away feeling rather abused. No hay peor sordo, que
el que no quiere oir. By the time I walked in to my home I was in
a bad mood, tossing things around and exhausted. The minute my cat Julia sees me walk into
the studio, she jumps up on the entertainment unit. She goes for the shelf on
the very top, which puts her little white face and honey green eye right at
my eyes level. Then, she lets out a series of meows that could have been
mistaken by a wailing banshee, which really translates to “Feed
me!” “It is treat time!” Her meow demanding and desperate.
The girl is high maintenance! Cricket and I look at each other and next
thing I know we are wrestling. I am told that it is no good to wrestle with
him, but it is a ritual we been doing since he was 7 weeks old. I have a cat page on this web site, but now
I really feel like a need to ad some meat to it. Originally all I had was the link below,
but now I see there something missing, http://hotlatincub.com/CatsPage.html I am tired of talking about relationships
that don’t work. I want to talk about the longest relationships I have
had other than my family, and it comes down to two cats who currently rule my
house. Cricket came into my life when my ex-lover
Erick and I went to visit my friend Joanne in Joanne and I had known each other for many
years. We had been working as tour guides for Greyline
Buses. Joanne had four cats, whose names I can
recall very well; Beeker, Pudding, Zado and Malcolm. She was going to She also left me a big bag of pot, which
would keep me amused during those endless nights cat sitting. Joanne’s home was a gypsy wagon, the
tree house. Definitely reminiscent of a John Lennon experiment, there were
plants, plenty of rock and people smoking pot coming in and out of the
apartment. And so, for 8 days, I smoke pot, watched TV, listening to Fleet
Wood Mac and The Eagles and bonded with four of the most amazing pussycats I
have ever met. Their personalities were so different, and
I just fell in love with the feline race. One day after she had returned from
vacation, she called me at home, where I was busy having sex with Erick, and
she told me that I needed to get to her house right away. One of her
neighbors had failed to keep a close eye on her kitten; she got out and came
back pregnant (the kitten.) Now her neighbor was the proud owner of three
kittens. Two females and one male. As Erick and I approached the closet with
mama cat and the kittens, I noticed that there were only two kittens with the
mother. I asked for the male and she stated that the little male much
preferred to spend time following the bulldog in the house than to be with
the other cats. A cat with a personality malfunction; that was the cat for
me. Then, I turned around and at the end of the
hallway the bulldog went by. Walking slowly but with a determination in mind,
followed the most adorable white kitten with blue eyes. “That is the one I said”
pointing at the wanna-be
bulldog. She stated that it would not be a problem as long as it went to a
good home. As I held him in my hand, his front legs
barely rested over my thumb, and his two back legs dangled at the other end,
he was 5 inches in length and his meow was an inaudible squeak. Once I got him home and saw the way he
would hop a long, not quite walking, it reminded me of a grass hoper, or a
cricket. So, Cricket he became. Julia, well, she came later and she is a
totally different story, but not for tonight. These two little animals have become a part
of my life. I love and protect them. They sleep at my feet and approached me
with concern when I am not feeling well. I love Cricket and Julia. ************************************ I don’t know who wrote it, but I
remember it caught my attention. I am sorry if I got the whole thing wrong,
but this is what I remember: “Heavy is the sorrow that bows the
head, when love is alive and hope is dead” The need to escape from my life becomes
overwhelming. Silly as it might seem, if it wasn’t for karaoke and the
outlet it provides me to express my feelings and emotions to a group, I would
go mad, or raving mad depending on your opinion of how advance my madness is
already. I feel lost and disconnected. Tim lost his
kitty to diabetes. I feel his pain and can’t imagine loosing mine. I
love my cats. Lately there has been too much from work on
my head, and it gets me thinking down dark hallways that I would rather leave
unexplored. It feels like all I do is work and work and I am forgetting how
to have a life outside that circle. The constant feeling in my life is
feared; afraid that I am not very good at many things. Vinny has a holistic way of looking at life; I wish I
could tap into it. Well, I have started to notice that Vinny’s
calls are not as frequent. He has been on vacation to What if I am starting to want more? More
than just once a month. Vinny was honest, he said,
I am nobody’s “The One.” Vinny is
beautiful and desirable. I am an insecure bear who wants to be in love. Vinny wants his experience alone and Diego on the side. I
wan my experience shared, wild, nasty, but above all, together. I should have
known better. ************************************ The girl with the kidney transplant is
peeing like a race horse, which it is a very good sign. The old man still dead and I still
don’t have any news on my cancer friend. My new meds are still kicking my butt, but
I am finally starting to feel a little better. I have been spending a lot
more time alone than usual. Everyone bothers me and I am extremely and easily
irritated. The stress at work has relented a bit but I
just need to come to term that there will be people who don’t like me.
To them, all I can say is fuck you, you have lousy taste, I
am a fabulous person. My cat Julia has been very loving lately, I
don’t know if she senses that I am not feeling well, or because I spend
more time at home, she is getting more treats. The heat in this freaking valley has been
obscene and not even karaoke has been able to raise my mood. I figure is part
of life, so allow my self to get in touch with my grouchyness,
feel it, embrace it, experience it and hopefully let it go soon enough. I think I would like to move away from this
place, but I don’t know where I would go. I am not sure that LA is
where I want to be at. For the time being, I won’t make any
decisions. The meds have me feeling many weird things and not a good time to
think of life in a large scale or make important decisions. Living on these meds is like being trapped
in a psychedelic nightmare, a sort of carrousel of horrors, which spirals
down and makes you feel lousy. Every time I find myself popping all these
medications in and going through the side effects, the song “White
Rabbit” from Jefferson Airplane comes into mind; “One
pill makes you larger ************************************** One hundred and FUCKING nineteen
degrees!!!! Humidity was 24 and the I hate it here! ************************************** The weekend started with Vinny driving from Aside from Vinny
coming to lift my spirits, I still had to go to the funeral of my friend
today. I was one of the first people to get to the
funeral home; The chapel was not much of a sanctuary from the heat that was
getting up to 116 degrees on the valley floor. No, that is not a typo, it actually went up to 120! I saw every one of my friends parade into
the chapel and sit in contemplation of the coffin, which rested at the altar.
I handled the crosses and lecturing pretty well for an ex-catholic, and tried
in vain to block memories of some pretty good sex I had with a priest back in
1984. There was no lighting and the devil did not walk in and dragged me out.
We sat through the ceremony and then we
were invited to say good bye, so I went up to the coffin, and thanked him for
the daily smile, and I say good bye. As I sat there, my ego couldn’t help
but to wonder; who would show up at my funeral? There were only about 20
people there. Why so little I wondered? Is it the religious ceremony that
people were avoiding? Have we grown so distant in modern times that we
don’t give a hoot when a friend dies? When you die at 78, are there many
friends left to go to your funeral? I want an Evita
Peron kind of thing. I want the country to declare it a day of national
mourning. I better get busy and do something important. ************************************** There was pee in the bag! Now, if I
remember right, my friend said that the kidney could take up to six weeks to
see if it works or not, but the good news is that there was pee in the bag. She has hope! She is also in a lot of pain,
but hope is a beautiful thing. ************************************** Life and death; The Daily Struggle. All week long I been bitching because I
don’t feel good; Boo Hoo! I cry because I
feel alone and I am afraid that if death claims me soon, nobody will find my
body until several days later when my cats have finally started to fight over
who gets breast or thigh. Today I learn of a 78 year old man that I
knew, he got up, went to work, counted his tips, stopped for a beer after
work and his heart stopped. He was always kind to me. Through a dear friend of mine, I also
learned of a 17 year old girl who struggles to survive this night after a
kidney transplant. Her life on the balance. There is also another friend of mine, a
courageous woman who wrestles with her chemo, and still wants to stay
productive and happy. A woman who is trying to go through the hell of it all
and keep her children and husband worry-free. Suddenly I feel like a cry baby. We come into the stage of life and struggle
for the spotlight, to learn, to fit in, struggle to stay on top, to stay in,
to just hang around, but the door marked EXIT awaits all of us. I hate it when I start to sound like a bad
country song. Peace to the old man, 78 year is an
eternity that I envy. I hope it was a good life and that you said I love you
often. Somehow I know he did. To the girl, I promise that although I have
not prayed in many years, tonight I will do some bargaining with God.
I’ll pray, and I will pray hard. To my friend going through chemo, my
admiration and all my respect to you; I know it’s tough. Life is so frail and tonight I wish there
was so much more that I could do. ************************************** What is it about this journal that keeps me
making entries to it? Why is it that I have no problem sharing
what is deep in my heart for everyone to read? Well, maybe the fact that since our
government took away certain freedom and has forced me to remove most of my X
rated material, the traffic to my site has dropped
drastically. Well, the bright side is that if people
were not reading my journal when I was having high traffic, now whatever I
write here is almost as private as if I were keeping my writings under lock
and key. So, the plan for this weekend was going to What actually happened is that I ended up
working on Saturday, started new meds and then I spent the weekend feeling
like shit, bored and extremely lonely. I am a horrible sick person. When I
don’t feel well, I just want to curl up and be held. I know it is only a rough patch and that
soon I will be feeling better. Still, I do not know if the extreme loneliness
I feel is a side effect of the meds, stress from work, or do I really have a
problem been by myself. I love being with people. I like being with
friends, I love interacting and doing things with my family, and I love being
intimate, romantic and wild with a lover. I can entertain myself only so much; I am a
junkie for interaction with other humans, for contact, for conversation and
touch. ************************************** As I dragged my self across the parking lot
last night, I thought, Sunday is the only day off I get, so might as well,
stay home, recover from my sinus infection and do laundry. Vinny had mentioned that he was going to be working through
the 4th, however last time I talked to him, he was on his way to
Big Bear to spend time with friends that have a cabin there, so I guess his
desire to see me must not be too great. Diego is put off until after the 4th.
To help my hurt ego recover, I went to a pool party where I felt sexy and was
fondled a lot. I went out to karaoke afterwards and did
some more Neil Diamond, this time “I am I say” And I loved it. I wish I was snuggling up to Vinny, for warmth, sex, his
kisses and to hold his body. Why do I put
myself through this? ************************************** Here I lay in bed down for four days now
with a sinus infection that renders me weak and traps me at home. I been to
the doctor and learned that I must now embark on antibiotics to cure my
plugged up nose. That is on top of my HIV cocktail, the new
medication to treat my mystery illness (which by reading my diary you know I
refuse to talk about), and all the other medications that came marching
behind to relieve me of the side effects of the main one. Now we are adding
antibiotics to that and we are going to take away the ability to be out on
the sun. Valley of the Dolls, anyone? Some pretty amazing things have happened
since my last entry. Amazing when
it comes to a soul awakening. Not every awakening is monumental or
earthshaking; this one came over in the shape of silent despair. The understanding that my body is now
susceptible to certain vibes on our environment is very scary. The
realization that people’s emotions have a toll on my spirit worries me. Where can I start with dealing with the
knowledge that I have gained? Work, How do you deal with the fact that the
place that has been enabling you to make a living is suddenly displaying its power
with shameless affront? Creating rules to a game where the only winner is the
house, and should you challenge or question their practices you are quickly
reminded of what the door looks like and the location of it. When I first embarked on this path, I was
so convinced that it was the perfect job for me. I thought I could make a
difference and do what I love to do the most, help people. They had no problem with my lack of a
degree when I came in the middle of their mess and dusted, fixed, mended and cheered.
They loved the fact that I could hit the ground running and solve issues they
couldn’t. I like honesty, and I talk to people from
my heart. That is why people and I connect! It is the only way I can be. I have had no problems telling people to
shut up and stop their fuzz over trivial issues, especially when I felt that
the system in place was fair. But what am I to do when I suddenly feel
that I am on the side of a group that is not quite being honest with their
communication, and who has forgotten that humans are not perfect, and that
loyalty is something to be nurtured and rewarded. All of a sudden, I wake up within a dream,
in a cubicle a 100 miles west of here, in the city of What is my calling? What do I do if I can
not turn a blind eye to something I feel is unjust? God knows I am no hero.
But God knows that I am not one to keep quiet. At work I am just a pond. In a corporate
environment people are disposable. All I can really say at this point is that
I have nothing to loose. Life is experiences and learning. I may need to eat
and to pay for my medical bills, but not if it means I can’t look at my
self in the mirror and stare into my eyes. Maybe there is time to help make things
right. Currently I been reminded of the disadvantage point I am in due to my
lack of education. No, I did not complete my college degree, but I have been
able to clean all their messes up with a good heart, Mom’s share of
common sense and fairness, and a life time of experience dealing with people. The sweet part about the journey is that,
the further I go, the sense of wonder does not stop, I hunger for more people
and life experiences, and I am not afraid to stand by what I believe is
right. Ted, I had not heard from Ted in a while. Last
time I remember seeing him was about September. I had just started working at
my new job and he had just met some Kent Doll with whom he had fallen in love
and was moving in with somewhere around Well, the other night he was in town ting
off loose ends and we met and had one of our good talks. He was all excited about the Vinny entries on my diary, so we chatted about Vinny. Was it the one for me, well I said, I doubt it I
said. Vinny already told me he is nobody’s
“the one.” I explained the lecture I got when I told Vinny that I loved him and how since that chat I have
been nothing but confused. Vinny telling me to feel
my feelings is also confusing, but then, just because he did not liked me
telling him that I love him, and the fact that he does not want to be tied down
to me and has expressed that he could never be monogamous, has not stopped
him from being sweet, caring for me during some very hard times in my life,
gone out of the way to make sure I am well taken care of. He has held my hand when it was shaking and
he has held me until my panic attack went away. Ted couldn’t understand why I be content with half of a relationship. Ted is amazing. He wants it all. Ultimate
commitment and he won’t be happy until he gets it. I want to see him
happy so I will continue to wish for his dream to come true. I miss Ted. Seldom in life we find people
who we truly connect and see life the same way, in some ways. Ted and I are
ultimate romantics. Practically, urban tales among people our age in For me, it is all about compromise. I know Vinny is a hot man, and I know he is having sex around;
still, when we are together, he takes my breath away and I am in love. Why throw away something just because it is
not perfect? Maybe its beauty lays in its imperfection. ************************************** My work week was crazy, my weekend too
short. ************************************** This evening I was floating naked in the pool.
Just floating completely at peace and content with life, staring into a
purplish sky with fading blue and a dash of pink. I had Better Middler
singing some Rosemary Clonney songs on the sounds
system and life was good. Nothing like the feeling of ones body naked
and exposed to the elements. I sat there as dusk settle over this fabulous
city of It was great seeing the bats come out to
hunt bugs. Watched their erratic flight full of sharp turns and Thunderbird
moves hundreds of feet over my head. This is the perfect end to my weekend. Sunday started exciting as an earthquake
measuring 5.6, which sent Cricket under the bed for most of the morning. Tim
and I went out for breakfast and all people were talking about was the
earthquake and the scare. I live through an 8.5 which killed 33
thousand people back in I went out singing yesterday afternoon for
a while and ran into Brian and Richard. Those two men are so sweet and they
are Vinny’s friends here in the desert. I
also heard from Vinny. He is having a great time in
the East Coast. He said it would be wonderful to explore it together some
day. He said maybe some day he can show me The man makes me dizzy, crazy and sends my
emotions down a spiral daze. Today I got up and marathon walked 7
miles….that is two extra miles from usual. I am going to look so
fabulous when I see Vinny again, so I doubt we will
spend much time outdoors. I also happened to escape to one of the
Vista Grande resort and got gangbanged, which God knows I needed badly. Five
of the most beautiful men took me and did things to me that if I wasn’t
such a whore, I would actually blush telling you about. It was great, they
fucked my like they meant it and parts of my body are still applauding. I figure Vinny is
going to be a total slut for Folsom Street Fair in I miss Vinny,
can’t believe I have to wait a whole month to see him again. Well, it
has been a while since I have been able to have my sex drive back since that
new medication, so might as well use it when the feeling comes over. I am reading the most amazing novel I have
read in a while; it is called “The Death of Vishnu” by Manil Suri. AMAZING! A must
read! If you have read it, send me your thoughts on it. It actually has
inspired me to learn how to meditate and to get in touch with my spiritual
side. Not that getting gangbanged in the steam room was not a religious
experience, but it not bad to gather information and experience some thing
new. Tonight, I spend the last few hours of my
weekend listening to Roberto Diego, and kicking here at home with my windows
open, listening to the crickets outside, watching my two cats lounge in front
of the fan and getting ready to return to the grind tomorrow. Life is beautiful. It is scary and it is a
journey that I do love very much to experience. I have become a cynic and I
need to find my center and purpose once again. I need to find my writing
niche. I want my writing to reach many people. ************************************** Work, Work and more Some times is hard living in a town where a
big percentage of the population does nothing but lay around the pool most of
the day and worry about making it to happy hour in time. I spend most of my time working, in a job
that is really not for wimps. I get to deal with the human spirit usually at
a point of extreme emotion. Many times their anger is focused and it is
easier for me to come in and help; however, there are times when the anger
blows directly at me and there is no time to defuse it. The Human Being is a funny little critter.
Our emotions go from one extreme to the other in no time at all. A word, a
look, a simple hello can some times trigger patterns of behavior that are
automatic regardless of how much in control we think we are. There are those sweet people whom do
nothing but brighten my mood. The ones that have achieved an almost Zen
quality to their being. I mean, you see them and they radiate peace, a
shining smile and above all, love. Then there are the Indifferent ones. Those
to whom you are invisible to. Those who you can greet ten thousand times and
you are nothing more than a ghost that they don’t believe in, nor will
acknowledge. Secretly I must confess THOSE I like to see when they are in
trouble. Then you suddenly exist, and there is no doubt about it. They expect
you to help and consider them your best friend. Kind of the relationship most
humans have with God; we know we kind of believe in it or maybe not, until we
hear the word cancer and then our faith springs forward ready to hit the
crusades. Then there are the toxic ones. The ones
that as you see them approach down the hallway and the sounds of birds
singing fades, children start to cry and your soul is possessed by a chill
that you could only imagine comes close to seeing the Grim Reaper appear at your
birthday party. They are those people whom lives are so miserable that their
only happiness is brought about by making other sad. I also get to deal with the patient ones.
Now these people impress me tremendously. You can dish out the worst of the
worst, and they remain cool and calmed. They are masters of internalization
and you would think they can stop the dam from breaking. The poker face ones,
these people are both a mystery to me, and to be honest, scare me a little. I function by mutual agreement of my brain
and my heart. Well, to be honest, my heart does tend to be a little more
pushy and bossy than the brain, so my emotions are usually on my face. Look
at me in the eyes and you know how I am feeling. As I said, the patient ones
are a mystery to me. I also deal with the Magdalenas!
The ones that burst into tears at command. This little skill surely perfected
over the years of manipulating their loved ones. The ones that manipulate
people by taking advantage of people’s good feelings and exploiting
those who want to comfort and lend a hand. Thank God there is always those who’s
smiles come from the heart; who’s tears spring from hurt; who’s
intentions come from the noble side of their soul and that attempt to
practice (even if they don’t succeed) the art of being a person of
integrity. All of these people are one and the same.
We all have the potential to any of these aspects of being. It comes down to
that always, omnipotent CHOICE. I need to lay by the pool with a basket
full of chips, a dish with fresh salsa and a margarita the size of a bird
bath. Today, I don’t want to go to work,
but I know I will. That sucks…L ************************************** I look out my window and see the most
gorgeous The fan is blowing on me to keep me cool,
as I observe the palm trees being caressed and bathed by the afternoon
sunset. My cats lazily sleep on the bed next to each other, completely
oblivious to my mood. This is the type of afternoon that would make anybody
not in I have plans to go out with friends later
on to sing my karaoke, and maybe some dinner, but currently my heart and soul
are miles away from here. Across the valley, across the state, across the
country and the ocean. A fantasy floats into my mind. I miss Vinny and I miss Maybe I am in a romantic and this
melancholy mood is probably due because I am also missing Vinny’s
hands on me. His lips on my neck, my tongue slowly moving across his skin
into all those sweet places that I crave of his. It would sure be wonderful to be walking
along the I would love to walk into Notre Dame and
showed him all my favorite things about it, all the interesting angles for
pictures. I would show him the bench where I sat and lit a candle and prayed
for the soul of my grandmother who had recently passed away. The bench where
I also cried with fear and prayed for peace only three weeks after I would take him to the Arc and the Tower.
Hold him tight as we walked through the scary dark catacombs, and the Bear
Den’s bar where I dance many nights to the music of Bonney
M. I would buy him a rose, and whisper in his
ear while we stood in a crowded metro train. We would be surrounded by an
angry mob of French commuters who were being forced to hear an ambulant
musician play La Vie on Rose on his accordion by my request for the third
time. I would show him the train station where I
ran out scared for my life due to a bomb threat, and the stand where I stood
for two hours staring at the I would show him the studio where I posed
naked for a photographer, in that little street behind the Hotel De Ville.
The balcony full of pink and white geraniums where I sat and drank wine and
wondered at the beauty of a city, that both fascinated me and scared me at
the same time. The strange and intoxicating feeling of
danger in a world that had just exploded into war. A place where I was
foreign and exotic. I would hold him against me as much as
possible and hug him, and squeeze him and just make love to him over and over
and over and over. It would be wonderful to walk with him down
the amazing Luvre, and take joy in smiling and
popping my head into the countless pictures of all the
Japanese tourist around me. Walk with him through Monmarte
district as we search for that perfect painting of the Tower or the Arc to
hang back home. But the afternoon sun slowly fades away and
I find myself sitting here in the heat of a fabulous There is a pile of laundry calling me like
sirens in the middle of my bed, a pile of dishes that are currently applying
for a government funding to enter some research facility, and two cats that
have moved closer to the fan and are laying on their backs with their legs
stretched as if they were models for Da
Vinci’s famous Vitruvian Man. No It is time for me to take my meds and I am
apprehensive. I always hate this moment of the week, when the main dose goes
in. It is no fun. The time when I start to feel shaky, and
trembling. The time when I wish someone was there holding me hand and telling
everything is going to be alright. The time when I start feeling lousy, the
panic attacks begin and time to start the endless medications to counter the
side effects. The time when life stops being pink, and I stop sightseeing
with Vinny through streets we have only seen apart. Now, Vinny and I
have never been to Just like in ************************************** What a crazy week! Work was stressful but
very productive. That is about all the energy I have left to tell you about
the week. ************************************** Well, today I said a little prayer for all
the people that have died defending this country. It must be a very sad day
for so many families out there, especially in these crazy times. I went to a pool party to celebrate my
friends 75th birthday. I sure hope I can at least make it to
50… Now, I continue to be a hopeless romantic.
I am in cloud 9. Why may you ask is Diego so happy? Well,
when it comes to that special guy I been going on about for quite a few
entries now, I have discovered that I have very strong feeling for. Now, more than self realization, I have
confirmed that I am more than just the Palm Springs fuck, which translates to
he has feeling for me and he has expressed them. I know there are over a hundred miles
between us, which are maybe the reason why he likes me, I mean, when we are
together we have to make the best of it and we don’t have much time to
get on each other’s nerves, and I know that he likes his freedom and he
likes to play, but the most amazing revelation comes from the fact that I do
not need to own him. I don’t need to own him; I
don’t need to own his dick or his thoughts. I don’t go to bed
wondering if he is playing with somebody else (and I am sure he probably is)
because it doesn’t really matter. I never though it possible not to be consumed by jealousy by the
knowledge that he was having sex with somebody else, but I am glad to become
aware that I am not consumed by jealousy by knowing that other men interest
him. This is big for me! I mean, I either
matured emotionally, or have become a bit of a cynic. It could be that I
realize that I can not be everything to someone and still keep that person
happy. I like knowing that there is no need to lie to each other. When we are together, he treats me with
such respect, love and I maybe surrounded by 100 men better looking than me,
he still stands by me and make me feel special. He is attentive and caring.
Our sex can go from sweet and loving to nasty and extreme. Sexually he
awakens not only my body, but my heart and soul. I love being Latin, is the only way I can
explain the intensity of my emotions. So, when I think about this new way of
thinking and feeling, the words of a song by Gloria Estefan
pop into my mind. The lyrics of this song truly could have been written by me
at this emotional moment that I am experiencing (should I have been born with
a bit more talent.) I would like to share these lyrics with
you. The song title is “Steal your Heart” and right now, as this
stud muffin that has come into my life, is probably sampling somebody
else’s goods, I hope that in that moment of in limbo that we experience
when we are stepping over the border between conscious and dreamland, he will
hear my voice singing. Yeah, you may think, well, that would
probably send Vinny down the path to a nightmare,
but my voice is all I have, and I wish he not pay attention to the occasional
bad note or off key moment, but instead, he would hear the lyrics, saying to
him; Steal Your Heart “I
don’t mean to be the tear drop spilling over your resentment, don’t intend to be the cry with which you voice your discontentment. I
don’t want to be a picture slowly fading from your memory, don’t intend to be the shout reminding you that time is priceless. I
only want to be the wind that lifts you high above the ground, be
the only balm that suits the secret passions in your life, only
want to be your essence, be you comfort, be your calmness, be the
one you count to, to alleviate your sadness. I’ll
steal your heart and set it free. So
free I’m sure it will astound you. Without
my love you’ll never be, but these
ties will never bind. I’ll
steal your heart and set it free, tear
down the walls that would surround you, without
my love you’ll never be, in
someway, I’ll always find you.” Thank you Gloria, for helping me be a poet, even if I had to borrow the rhyme and lyrics to
achive it. ************************************** Now I am all flattered! The competition has
offered me a job out of nowhere! I did not apply for it, I just got the
offer! I guess somebody must be saying nice things about me
somewhere….whomever you are, I thank you…J Now, if only National Geographic would call
me and say, we want you to be our next explorer and go around writing and
photographing the world…Aaaaah, such a dream! ************************************** Somebody chatted
me the other day on LOL…funny! Now come over here so I
can bite your head off! What kind of freaking question is that? How about you wait until I offer
before you turn me down! Are we being a tad bit too judgmental? Number one, yes I could be committed to one
man and number two, no, I could not be committed to a man that ask me
something like that without knowing me. Some other guy told me that I had such deep
longing in my eyes…Geez! I never figured I
look desperate! How sad is that?! I been spending a lot more time in front of
the mirror working on my sexy eyes, we certainly want to change that deep
longing shit…LOL Anyway, another day, another dollar,
another knot on my back! I had never experience stress until now and it is a
fucking pain! Now, my job is stressful, but the new meds I
am on are not helping…a fly goes by and I burst into tears, and when I
am watching TV I have to avoid Hallmark commercials. I feel like bees have attacked my upper
body, in pain, tense and knotted and it is pure 100% painful. There is this woman at work that is so mean
and negative, birds drop dead from the sky and
flowers wilt when she walks by. She is a sad individual, full of anger.
Nothing in life seems to give her any pleasure, except for intimidating
others. Well, last week we had a show down. She
came to spread some of her poison with me, and I had to tell her that I did
not want it. I just keep thinking how sad somebody’s life has to be to
push someone to be so dark. On a lighter note, Vinny
came over for the weekend and we had a great time. He was so sweet to me,
taking care of me, holding me and massaging my stress away and giving me some
of that honey I crave for so much. Unfortunately, Vinny
is now gone back to So, last night, in order to cheer my self
up, I took myself out to karaoke. When I am feeling blue, the thing to do is
go signing. I went to Sidewinders, in I did September Morn by Neil Diamond (I
must humbly state that I am really, really good at it,) plus a little
Broadway and a little Country. I love music and I love signing. I could
sing the whole day long. I love an audience, I love the spot light and I love
singing for people. Actually at work, I usually walk into the Garde Manger room in the kitchen and start serenading all
the lady cooks in Spanish. They love it! Well, that is what the say; on the
other hand, I am part of management, so they may just be playing it safe. But
I have no problem with a captive audience. ************************************** Aaaaaaaggghhh!!!! Friday the 13th!!!!! Can you tell I
am a child of the media? I already checked every corner of my
apartment to
make sure that Jason is not in my closet waiting to kill me
with a hockey mask and a sharp knife, waiting patiently for me to undress and
sexily begin to take a shower. Too many movies I guess. Life has been great lately. I have not seen
Vinny in over a month, so I am going through major
sex withdrawals, and although I am getting hit on like there is no tomorrow,
I am really not interested in sex with anybody else at the moment. My Max will check with a buddy of his that may
be able to find me cheaper airfare. I have been walking a lot lately. I am
walking 5 to 6 miles daily before work. Up Ramon, past I am loosing weight, and I feel so alive
when I am exercising. It is funny the amount of guys that try to pick me
up….I either look incredible sexy and delicious, or I look like a whore
working the corner….LOL. I think I’ll stick to option number
one. My friend Tim O'Malley has been a life
saver these last few weeks. During the times when I have not felt at my best
he has been there to cheer me up and take care of me. He is a very sweet guy.
************************************** The last couple weeks have been pure hell.
Work is stressful, and the new medication I am on does not let me sleep and gives
me some pretty nasty side effects. The good news is that if the medication
does not kill me, I have pretty good chances to move on with life as normal
after I get use to it, but in the mean time, life sucks. The first thing the side effects killed is my
sex drive, which is not too bad since Vinny lives
so far away, I am not necessarily feeling the sexiest at the time, and God
knows I have a whole bunch of books that I have bought and have not had time
to read, but there are days when I could just chop somebody’s head off,
and I think it is the lack of certain release. By the way, just touching base regarding my
last entry and telling Vinny the L word was not
such a good idea. I mean, you could actually see the wall rise right in front
of my eyes. Good thing I had no expectations on expressing my feelings,
still, rejection hurts. This medication also affects me
emotionally. I am a wreck! I mean, my cats look at me like I am crazy when I
start crying for no apparent reason. I can’t watch TV at all, especially
the news; the madness is just too overwhelming. My birthday is tomorrow and I will turn 39
years old. Thank you God! It sure has been an adventure. I must say that the
last year has been one of incredible lessons, but I am sure looking forward
to a little shallower year, maybe a year with less hard lesson, a man looking
for romance, maybe a year where I have a little more fun traveling. ************************************** Gloria is a dear friend of mine who is
getting ready to move to She is pursuing her dream. She has always
wanted to be an actress and now she has sold her house, quit her job, packed
up her kid and is throwing herself a good bye bash. We all have ten thousand
reasons not to follow our dreams and or take chances, and she is kissing
those entire reasons good bye and kicking them on the butt right out of her
life. She is a character. I hope some day I can
see her starring in a Pedro Almodovar film. Her
courage and drive are enviable, but I am sure going to miss her. Her name is
Gloria and for knowing for such a short amount of time, this woman had a
great impact in my life. But she took a chance, and she helped me
and doing so, helped me open a chapter in my life that can only be described
as amazing. She will always have a very special place in my heart. Thank you
Gloria. Vinny is coming this coming weekend to go with me to the
party, and my friend Tiger is coming from Los Angeles to go with us too, so
this should be a fun weekend full of fun. Thirty eight has been a very difficult age
for me. I have learned some incredible things and valuable lessons, but not
sure that I would like to repeat thirty eight. Now, 39 sounds
very promising. I am only two weeks away from turning 39, and I already feel
all this good things coming my way. Most of them are decisions I have taken
and it is time now to put into action. Maybe 39 is the year when I take my writing
to the next level. Finish the projects I have been working on and see if
anybody would like to publish my stuff. I mean, I get a lot of e-mails from people
stating that they like my writing and that they love my stories; plus God
knows I have seen some really bad stuff in print, so maybe my chances are not
so bad. I have gained a bit of weight in my new
job. I mean, when I am stress, I eat like there is no tomorrow, and let me
tell you, my job is 150% stress. On a different note, Max has called me a
few times and it is nice to feel our friendship pulling our lives slowly,
cautiously and timidly back on track. I shared with him what I am going
through and he has been concern and very sweet asking about me. We are even planning a trip to Lately death has been a lot in my mind. I
guess watching “Six Feet Under” doesn’t help; reading
“Tuesdays with Morrie…” also
makes you think about mortality, and all these medical exams and procedures
sure make you stand at the threshold of death’s house with the door wide
open and looking in. The act of dying doesn’t really scare
me, I mean, it is part of life and you only go through it once…LOL, as
long as it is not a prolonged thing that drags on and on. Look at that poor
woman that just died after been in a coma for fourteen years! I mean, there
are worst things than dying! I hope when my time comes, it is quick, would be
nice if is painless, and if pain is inevitable, at least I hope I am given
good drugs, and I hope Death has a sense of humor. I mean, who wants to be
picked up by a grim, serious, macabre looking thing anyway? I much rather
something like Terry Prachette’s Death, from
the Disc World series. Something that will approach the whole thing with
maybe a “knock, knock,….who is
there?” I really need to start reading and watching
something lighter, but even then, we can’t escape that one. Sooner or
later, it will get every single one of us, so reach out now and tell the ones
you love how you feel about them. Go to the places you have always wanted to
go and embark on the adventures you have always dreamed of. Nobody is
guaranteed a future, and tomorrow is already here, don’t wait. On that note, I think Vinny
and I have a serious chat coming this weekend. I think it is time to say the
L word…and I am not talking about Lesbians. He doesn’t have to
say it to me, because regardless of how he feels about me, it does not change
how I feel about him or the joy he has brought into my life. Wish me luck. Friday and Saturday are going
to be very interesting days. ************************************** It is I sit here at my computer unable to sleep.
Scared, lonely, confused and weighted down by guilt, sorrow and self pity. At I can’t sleep, that is for sure. I
can’t cry either; there is nothing to cry for. I have picked up the phone and thought
about calling a friend, but I always end up putting the phone down. Who would
I call anyway? So what do I do in order to experience some
peace with this situation? Count my blessings? God knows I have not
done that yet… My Mom and Step Dad were here on Easter
Sunday and I took them to lunch and a movie. They wanted to be here with me
in the hospital, but I really played it down for them, I did not want them to
be worried. We had a great time together and my Mom will have me in her prayers. Tonight she called me to tell me that my
Aunt in Max called and I chatted and he is sending
me positive thoughts. He doesn’t believe in God, but he is going to say
some prayers for me just in case. Isn’t that sweet?! He also told me he
loves me, and love is a good energy. Dave is taking the day off and he is going
to take me to the hospital and stay there with me while they do the
procedure. Now, there is a friend that goes out of the way to be there for
me. Good old reliable Dave, I truly love that man. My two coworkers that I shared this with
also were very supportive and Chet even hugged me tonight. When things get rough, the best thing to do
is toughen up, embrace the experience, own it, live it, learn from it and
move on. Life is about battles. Life is about
victories and failures. Life is a bout love and forgiveness. Life is about
fear and courage. It is ok to allow yourself to experience
your feelings. It is ok to be sad and restless and scared shitless. It is ok
to feel all that, because I know in the morning, I have no choice but to be
courageous and strong, and when they are wheeling me in toward this experience,
I am going to think to myself, bring it on, it is part of life. Some times
you swim with dolphins or run through the desert naked, and other times, you
just have to allow the doctors to take a peek in side you. Ok, this pep talk is really not
working….LOL ************************************** Vinny just left to go back home to The nights were spent tangled in each
other’s arms, holding and kissing and exploring every corner of each
other’s bodies and souls. The man is simply amazing, confident, loving
and open. We had a great time! We spent a lot of time at home, we kissed, we
fucked, we went out to dinner, we went to the Joshua Tree National Park, we
fucked, we kissed, we ran naked through the desert…I love being with Vinny. We were wild horses and we ran free! ************************************** Humans are the funniest, strangest little
critters. My ability to recover from bad experiences
is just amazing! ************************************** Now, this is embarrassing. You think I
would have known better, but land on my face, I did. Please disregard the
entry for February 8th. We will assume that I had some bad sea food, it was
nothing more than a bad dream and it never happened. (note to self: Stupid, stupid, stupid
Diego) ************************************** Now, I know that sentimentally, I just got
burned badly not long ago, but wow! I just met the most amazing guy. A couple
weeks ago I was singing my little heart out at Street Bar. I must confess
that when I am singing, I am the biggest ham in the world, well, maybe when I
am not singing too, anyway; in the middle of my song I suddenly see that face
in the crowd, handsome, smiling and his eyes right on mine. Wow! Arrow to the heart! Fuck, suddenly I
am like a junkie, infatuated. Something about that smile and those eyes. It
was almost like that scene in the Muppets Movie when Miss Piggy sees Kermit
for the very first time...LOL I must confess, it was not sexual at all,
it was more like something in me just suddenly wanted this man, I mean really
want him. It was that smile...a bit shy, a bit smart ass, 100% kissable. He was sitting there surrounded by old yappity drunk queens, everybody fussing about him and
around him, but his eyes were on me. It was like being high on pot in So, being the little diva that I become
when I sing, I finished my song, felt good with my
performance, strutted back to my chair trying to appear as cool as God's dick
and sat back in front of my cosmopolitan trying to give an air of
totally-humble-nice-guy sitting here. I casually look back in his direction and
BAM! There were those eyes still on me....sigh!
Fuck, his eyes just totally saw through my little act. Many a times have my friends told me that I
am the worst bluffer in the world. Apparently I carry my emotions on my face,
which makes me a really bad liar. You only need to take a look at my face if
you want to know what I am feeling. I would make the worst poker player, and
I am sure that at that moment my face was silently saying "TAKE
ME!" He was surrounded by people, but kept
looking at me; I on the other hand, sat there alone, and kept singing to him
all night long. A couple times we came close to each other
only to come up with barely enough courage to say hello. Shy, I am not...but
he made me weak, and there was something about him and all I could think
about was kissing him. When I was singing one of my songs I saw
him put something inside my CD case, and when I finally made it back to my
CDs, I found a note from him, but he was gone. However, there was a name and
a phone number. I stepped out and he was out there, so we
finally chatted. He was leaving on a business trip the next day for two
weeks, so we chatted for less than a minute then we said good bye. When he came back from his trip, we got
together and had brunch at Rainbow Cactus. I had to work so we chatted during
lunch and I am very taken in with him. He is a really nice man, sexy man too.
Last night he took me to dinner to this
fantastic restaurant at the River. We had a table out on the patio right at
the water, some lights, a guitar player singing all beautiful Spanish ballads
and it was just the two of us. We went through two bottles of wine,
appetizers, entrees, and the most decadent fruit assortment, which we dipped
in a dark and white chocolate fondue and we spoon-fed each other. He is beautiful, my age, bold and handsome,
charming and elegant, a smart ass but secure and intelligent. He was very
loving and attentive, and I had to fight the urge to rape him right there and
then. Wow, he is wonderful. After dinner, we went back to Street Bar,
where I spent the rest of the night singing to him, and kissing him, and
singing to him, and kissing him, and singing and kissing again. I want him! That man pushes my buttons like
nobody has in a long time. I can't wait to see him again ...and kiss him. ************************************** There is nothing better to brighten one's
mood than friends. Yesterday I got to see my friend Donna. Donna was my boss
when I worked for the search engine in After we had brunch there, we strolled down
to The differences between Donna and I are
endless. She is a grandmother of four, with kids older than I am. She is seventy something, but our bond is solid and I love this
lady a whole lot. She counseled me so many times when she was
my boss, and she is the one who originally diagnosed me with DDTS, short for
Donald Duck Temper Syndrome. It is thanks to all the advice and lessons
this lady gave me while I worked for her at my old job, that now I have the
confidence and skills that help me succeed in my new HR career. Today, blessing number two came about. My
friend John from John has got to be one of my best friends.
I love this man above all and I look up to him as the big brother I never
had. John and I met in I was barely out of the closet when I met
John, and I have cried on his shoulder when I found out about I was positive
to HIV, when I broke up with lovers, and he has always guided and given
comfort in my dark times. John is a man I admire for many things,
such as a broad and open mind, a comfortable sense of self, open, loving and
expressive of his feelings, and a ray of sunshine in dark times. John has
been a very positive influence in my life. So, after a period where I was feeling
disconnected and lonely, two dear friends blessed me with some time together,
and those are the moments that you look back on when things get bad. I love my friends...:) **************************************
Today I woke up to a cloudy morning, one of
those mornings that invite you to stay in bed warm and cozy under the covers.
However, since I been hitting the sweets lately, I thought it would be
healthy to get up and exercise a little. I went to the gas station, put air in my
new basketball and headed down to the park a couple blocks from my studio and
shoot some loops. It was great, as soon as I got to the park,
the sun came out and people started to pour in to the place. There were a
group of women learning how to sword fight, about twenty guys doing yoga,
children in the playground, homeless on a different bench grateful for the
warm sun, a group of boy scouts putting on a garage sale and among all of
them, there I was in the basket ball court fighting to keep my nose intact. Given that it is a long time since I have
attempted to be sporty, I had a blast all by myself. After a good sweaty
session with the basketball, I crossed the street and had a chai tea at Starbucks and then cruised through a small
health fair and headed home. Recharged and refreshed, life is
beautiful and I better get in the shower and go to work. Vinny and I are making plans to spend Valentine's day
together in a little Mexican getaway. Parts of my body are already applauding...:) **************************************
Well, today life seemed to start heading
into normality. Max and I breaking up, a work overload,
shitty-miserable-lonely holidays followed by a breakdown of everything that
is positive in my life, left me feeling down and blue. Today I got out to drop my dry cleaning,
take some pictures of actual wet water running down our washes, do some
grocery shopping, and finally pizza and "Charmed" with Dave and
Donald seemed to work wonders. Normality and routine are really blessings
to the life of someone who wants a little security. Last night was kind of exciting. I
was lying in bed watching "Being Human" with Robin Williams. It was
probably around Earthquake!!!! It was a 4.3 earthquake with its epicenter
in Desert Hot Springs, just ten minutes away, north in the valley. It was
creepy but exciting. I had really gotten into a very negative
groove there for a few days. Now it is time to forgive myself for it and move
on. Positive!
Think
ahead... Think
Vinny... Vinny is this beautiful man of dark eyes that I met about
a year ago. We played once at the Vista Grande resort. We fucked like there
was no tomorrow and I must say, I love the man's energy and mind. He turns me
on the way I have not been turned on before. His eyes and his naughty
thoughts seem to match mine step by step. I have seen him a couple of times now, I
been to LOL....don't think me vain, but he reminds
me of me. Fun, down to earth, sweet, a total pig, sensitive...and a total
whore. I must confess, I have always been a very
proud versatile (except when a man inspires me extremely), however, I love
bottom more than anything. When I am with Vinny, I
want to do it all....I love the way he fucks me, and I love....did I say
love? ....yes...I FUCKING LOVE fucking his beautiful hole! Fucking it,
licking it, biting it...the man drives me crazy! I shoot load after load up
his ass, then he turns around and does the same to me. Vinny treats I the way a bottom like to be
treated...but he inspires this animal in me. I can't keep my hands to myself
around him. It is wild and so extremely sexual to be in his presence. It is
good, wild, fantastic sex! I have not had sex like this in a long time. What makes it so much fun, it is that it
affects both of us the same way? He gets really turned on by the shameless
pig in me....LOL The drive from He makes me feel some pretty wonderful
things. The man is sexual, sensual, sensitive, a big romantic, a pig; a large
slice of chocolate cake, the man is everything I have ever fantasized about.
WOW! Of course, I don't think he is looking for
a husband, and to be honest, I am not sure that I am what he is looking for,
but I tell you...I am not getting off
this ride until they make me! **************************************
Only nine days into the New Year and it
already sucks! Tsunamis, floods, death, bad choices and a
panic attack later are not the way I was hoping 2005 would go. Maybe it is
getting all the bad stuff done and over with first and then it will turn out
to be a fabulous year after all. Just in case, I will spend my next two days
in bed with the covers pulled way up. **************************************
I finally chatted with Max for a little
while. It was uncomfortable and brief. I was out at the Toolshed
and Max came in with his friends celebrating his birthday. This chapter
of my life is close and this time, permanently. I am sure the hurt will go
away eventually, it always does. My new boss never arrived so I am boss less
at the moment. Thank God my team mates and I are being able to stay a float.
We argue a lot and fight our share, but we always come out of the dark better
people, I hope. Missy and Chet are my partners in crime at
work. We are in charge of keeping over 1000 people happy. Tough job for three
people without a boss...LOL Chet and I get along great, the guy is
amazing. He is older than I and very compassionate, which I admire very much.
The guy's heart drives his body in more than the physical plain. He is wise
but a bit stubborn, which is the reason why we lock horns once in a while. Missy on the other hand is Diego in the female
version when it comes to stubborn. Missy has developed stubbornness to an art
form. She reminds me of myself a few years ago; strong minded, doesn't
take much to ignite her temper and sees life as a black and white kind of
thing. Aaahhh, I love those shades of gray now, but
it took a while to get there. I am soooo
extremely flattered today. One of the big chain hotel resorts in town has
asked me to go work for them. I told them I would think about it over
the weekend. It is funny how I went through two years of
struggling to find a job. Two years of feeling worthless and stupid. Two
years of trashed dreams and broken hope. I will decline the offer because for the
first time in a long time, I can say I am very happy where I am at career
wise. There is another step I need to take, but it is not a corporate step.
There is more to Diego, and that is what I need to explore. What a beautiful morning! It is dark and
gloomy over The weather can be as crappy as it likes
because it really doesn't matter to me, Christmas is in the air and I am feeling
happy. **************************************
Tonight after I got home from work, I
showered, changed clothes and ran down to The Barracks. I saw a few of my old
acquaintances and one after the other gave me the same verdict..."Wow,
haven't seen you in a while, you are putting on some weight." Now, the words them selves seem quite
harmless, but suddenly I felt very insecure. I spent most of my night being
very uncomfortable and very self conscious. I hate night like this. I decided I couldn't stay in a bar full of
people who thought I was fat, so I left and went down to ToolShed. Stephen was busy behind the bar making
drinks and I ended up feeling guilty for thinking naughty thoughts about him.
A few other people approached me with the
same effect as the Barracks people. Ironic, the one night when I am getting hit
on right and left from all kinds of hunky men, is the one night when my self
confidence takes a vacation! Some guy started to do his little matting
dance around me, but my mind was distant. Then it happened; I saw a truck in
the parking lot and I recognized it immediately. Behind it I hear the sound
of glass breaking. I excused myself quickly for "Mr. I am
From A man and a woman were busy sorting bottles
when I arrived and greeted them. This older couple I remembered from the
days when I was a bartender at the Rainbow Cactus. They would always come at
the end of the night to pick up the glass bottles for recycling, and that is
how they made their living. Many times my bar back Allen and I took
coffee out to this couple in cold nights. They were always so grateful and
gracious. Tonight, as I walked to them, she threw her
arms open and hugged me really hard, calling "DIEGO!!!" and she
held on hard. He also hugged me and mentioned he had seen me in my new job
the other day, and just seeing them, trigger the memories slide that overcame
me. First the fact that their welcome was so
warm was so sweet. I could tell in both their eyes that they were glad to see
me and I was sure glad to see them both. Then, my heart went to them when I realized
the coldness of the night and I saw this poor 50 something woman having to
make her living by picking up bottles from bars at At that moment I missed my bartender days
and the freedom and incredible experience Rainbow Cactus was. My friends, my
time as a celebrity and the wonderful moments I lived there. These two people
who for a minute made me feel loved and missed and part of something. Then I
realized that my present something is different, filled with wonderful new
people, but it touched my heart and soul and it made me feel longing and
sadness. Now I am corporate Diego, but not long ago
I was a sex god. Even if it was in my mind only, I was sexy, exotic and
fun. I was desirable, beautiful and hot. She reminded me of my Mom, and suddenly...I
just wanted to leave and go home, which I did. As I sink into the comforts of my
bed, all I could think about was a 50 something woman, working in spite
the horrible chill that cuts you to your bone. Tonight I felt helpless... **************************************
Mr. O'Malley has been hanging around a lot.
He is very sweet and I enjoy hanging out with him, but the guy is a bit too cautious
with life. He is going on a trip next week and he does not want to do air
travel because of the result of the elections. He feels that the terrorists
are going to do something soon...LOL...how sad is that! When it comes to
causing terror, the terrorist sure found the right guy to scare. I was on a plane going to If some assholes are going to highjack a
plane, they better make sure I am not in it, because even if I have to beat
the terrorist to death with my food tray, I won't stand by and be used as a
live missile. Nobody better stand between me and a Mai-Tai in some sweet
beach. I would rather die in the attempt to rebel,
than to be a sitting duck. I think 9/11 came to teach us a very
important lesson and that is “Don't just sit there!” Take action!
When it comes to terrorist, if you fall in their hands you are as good as
dead! So take down as many of them as possible, inspire others to take
action. About the only place I allow my self to be
submissive (at times) is in the love arena, and only if you know how to push
my buttons. Ultimate surrender to love! Ahhh, what
a sucker...LOL...After all, I am a Taurus. At work my team mates and I are still
waiting for our new boss, and we are all very anxious to meet her. Will she
be a Hilary Clinton? Or a Margaret Tacher? I am
sure she is not going to be a Mother Theresa or Princess Di.
I am gaining a lot of weight and I think it
is several factors affecting that; one, being the fact that I am well fed at
work. My cooks keep bringing me special munchies they prepare just for me. The other thing affecting my weight is the
break up with Max...Nothing better in times of heartache than "Breakfast
at Tiffany’s," a pint of Dulce de Leche Ice Cream from Hagen-Daz,
a spoon, a warm blanket and a box of Kleenex. On a different note, life is starting to
fall into a comfortable routine. I keep telling myself, enjoy it, it never
last for long. The only thing that seems to be constant in my life is the
negative, hopeless people that I keep running into. I should have been a
shrink! At least I would be getting paid to listen....not that I don't enjoy
helping people, but I also need people to inspire me to higher levels. Until
I find such person, I guess I better keep on inspiring myself...LOL Why is it so hard for people to look on the
bright side? I know I go through my dark times and there are days that I
carry my own little thunder cloud hovering over my head, but those days are
seldom and I try hard to fight them. Hey YOU!...Yes....YOU!
The one reading this nonsense.....make sure you are
being nice and positive to those around you. Be a force to be reckon
with....be light and friendly and freaking smile! Life is too short to waste
it in darkness. **************************************
Well, the days between my last entry and
tonight have been exhausting. I moved into my own little place, a studio
in **************************************
I have been unpacking boxes for days! But
moved and settled I am...:) Cricket is happy not to have to share his
digs with Dave's cat, Lucy, but I don't think either one of my cats are too
thrilled with the move. Unfortunately, until they can start contributing with
money toward the rent, they are stucked with
daddy's choice. It is also a very quiet place and I been sleeping like a
log. I hope I don't get too lonely. Halloween was a lot of fun both at work and
at the bars, and once again I must state that Halloween it is the one actual
holiday that gay people have. I dress like a debonair devil and amazing! If I
would have known that my sex appeal would increase by wearing a pair of
horns, I would have started wearing them long ago. I got hit on by guests, coworkers,
strangers and friends alike. I guess they like me horny...LOL I went out to the bars after work and had a
blast at the Barracks and Rainbow Cactus. The last time I saw the horns, I
was in the middle of a Jacuzzi orgy at one of the resorts when I saw one of
them floating passed me. Some jerk (very hot and sexy bastard, but a
jerk nonetheless) actually tried to use them as handle bars! Click on the picture if you
want to go to the Halloween Picture Gallery. Halloween also came at the right moment
right after my heart was broken for the gazillion time. (Note to self: Don't
fall in love again!) The attention from everybody was great, but I must be
honest and say that I still feel hurt and not quite in the mood for anything,
although I did not feel much heartache while getting fucked in the Jacuzzi. I did meet a very nice man on Halloween Eve
while I was test-driving my horns. He is a very sweet guy, Irish, tall, handsome,
very charming but extremely vanilla by the name of Tim O'Malley. Although the
sexual spark is not there, I really enjoy spending time with him, he has a
very kind heart and seems to be a nice person. God knows it is great to meet
someone with the potential for friendship in a town where sex seems to be the
only way to communicate with other gay men. Max called me today but I did not answer.
Thank God for Caller ID. I know it is childish, but it felt great not taking
the call. Fuck him! Even better, don't EVER fuck him again! It is not like he
was any good at it anyway. Enough said, maybe I will be less angry at him
tomorrow. Not a good idea to call someone when you are angry, I could loose
my cool and say something I would regret later, no need for being mean to his
face. That's what the Internet is for....LOL. He had the nerve to ask me on the message
he left me if I would still be interested in helping him coordinate his
birthday party! SURE! Let's see, let's make a fantastic chocolate cake,....we
want a great frosting,....hummmmm....first we get
some egg-whites, sugar and some Ex-Lax, that should make a pretty good mix! Maybe I will be less angry and hurt
tomorrow. Maybe I just need to grow up and let it go... OK, no more on the subject. I am over it. **************************************
Well, Max and I are not seeing each other
anymore. I finally had to leave him the news on voicemail because after
several messages, e-mails and smoke signals he was not calling me back. On
the same fashion I found out that he felt the same way, which is probably why
I did not hear from him in over two weeks. He hurt me this way once before, so why was
I so stupid to believe that love can conquer all? Why did I think Max had changed?
Once somebody proves to me that my feelings do not matter to him, why do I
still put my heart on the line? Why did I ever tell him I love him? Why am I so shocked and sadden when he
behaved the way I knew he would? Of course I get his voice-mail message
while I am at work. So, there I sit, in the place that pays my rent and feeds
me, feeling like a total wreck! I am supposed to be freaking Mary Poppins with the smile on my face for everyone. I am not
a good poker player, my heart and my face are one and the same and every
feeling I have is reflected for all to see. I am the one who is supposed to touch, move
and inspire confidence and communication. I am the one who gets paid to keep
those around me smiling, but right now, all I want to do is punch someone on
the face. My friend Tom once told me "Don't let
them see you sweat." Fucking moron! If I am as smart as I think I am, why do I
hurt so badly? **************************************
Well, here I am one more Friday night
getting ready to get in bed with another book. I have never read some much in
my life! One of my new coworkers recommended "The Long Dark Tea-Time of
the Soul" by Douglas Adams and I must say I enjoyed it tremendously. I
love writers that crack me up, and I been feeling very lonely, and yet I am
surrounded by a lot of people. The job is going ok, my love life is blah, I
move to my new place at the end of the month, and once I unpack, I will have
a lot more books around. I have been getting hit on so much lately.
Men and women alike are hitting on me like crazy, which I find very
flattering, but it seems everyone is looking for sex only. Here in Ted is selling his house and there goes my
one and only friend in this town. It is hard to get him to return my phone
calls when we live with one house in between; it is going to be the end of it
once I move. Still, I refuse to think that people are
disposable. I know I am walking around with my own little private cloud above
my head. Afraid and not sure what of... **************************************
Blah! **************************************
I was sipping through some old papers and I
ran into an old story I had been working on. So my muses saw it and
immediately started singing in its direction. So now I am infatuated with
writing about my story idea. Dave's birthday party went well and we
had a lot of fun. Many friends came over and the evening was a success.
I played bartender and was making some pretty good fufu
martinis, such as cosmopolitans, lemon drops, chocolate martinis, green apple
martinis, etc... Max came over from LA and we had a great
time. Check out our Dave's Birthday Party
pictures . It got kind of naughty, but oh well...whenever I am involved,
it just turns kind of X rated. LOL. I hope you enjoy the pictures. . **************************************
So, here I sit...Saturday night, around Single and dating a man a hundred miles
away sucks! I am horny! Anyway, going to finish my entry, get in bed, snuggle
with my cats and read my book. I know this is totally making me loose
major points with my fans! How can a SEX GOD stay in bed on a Saturday night
with nothing but a book?! Easy...the SEX GOD must go to work tomorrow
morning...LOL. **************************************
What was at one point in time a good place to
live, now moves into a new era in which I do no longer feel comfortable there. Sadden because of the changes, change is in fact
inevitable and we must press on regardless of our feelings. I have started to
look for a new place to live with big windows for my cats to look out. At work I am getting finally settle and
much more comfortable. It feels great to feel useful and having something to
look forward when I wake up in the mornings. There is the sweetest man
working with me. He flatters me very much, I can tell that he must like me is
some way or another...the minute he sees me he immediately starts acting
giggly and smiles a lot. Very flattering since he is a handsome gentleman and
of very sweet disposition. I love chatting with him because he loves books
and cartoons as much as I do, how can he not be a
good guy! Max and I spent Monday together and I took
him out to lunch, went to the movies, ate some more, watch a movie a home,
took me out to dinner, then rented a movie and ate some more. I think I put
20 lbs on Monday alone. Funny how things go, I am feeling very
disconnected with Max. I still wish I was turning him wild in bed, but sex
just doesn't seem to be important to him....and I am horny as hell! Suddenly,
I realize that for all the men around here, it is Max with whom I want to do
it with. Could it be love? I mean...real love? Then
why do I feel disconnected? Not long ago I got an e-mail that kind of
stuck in my head from someone that came across my site and read my diary. The
e-mail read: "Diego, I just read your diary - very
intense. You are not the open-relationship kind of guy, so please don't
sell yourself short. You deserve what you WANT - not what someone is willing
to give you." Ouch! When I first read it I thought
"YES!"...then I told my self "what about my small pieces of
cake that comes along instead of the big cake?" I think too much!
Dangerous past time. Tomorrow is a new day; let's make good use
of it. ************************************** The job is going great and I am enjoying
it. The weather is fabulous and life is good. Now what? ************************************** Why is it that I can not turn the TV on
anymore? I mean, the batteries in the remote are practically new; the TV is
only about 10 feet away from where I am sitting and my hand has the remote
pointed on the right direction, yet I can not bring myself to push that
little button. I can't, I won't and to be 100% honest, I don't want to. More people beheaded, hurricane drowning
hundreds, mud burying a whole bunch somewhere else, bombs on trains, mass
killings, murderers on the spot light with the media attention that would
make Madonna jealous, battling politicians reminding us that our choices are
like little fish trapped on a fish net, somewhere between really sad and just
plain pathetic. We talk of a war on terror, but how can we really
be terrorized when we spent our entire life entertaining ourselves with this
images? As a kid, the idea of Godzilla really scared me, now I would probably
run for my camera! When did I stop playing the part of victim?
When did I stop dreaming of being the hero?
And when did I choose the role of the
monster? How have we managed to become so
desensitized to death? Why am I so concerned about driving my car with a
couple scratches because it looks ugly, and not care that there are people
dying of hunger as we speak? Why did I stop going to the AIDS hospice to
visit and pass out books? Was seeing the faces of people dying too much for
such a sensitive soul such as mine? Too much a reminder of what is in store
for me? It didn't matter how wonderful it made me feel giving comfort,
feeling connected and caring, no, that wasn't enough. Was this the conversation that Don Quixote
brood over and over and over with...the reason for his insanity? The reason
for letting go of a world so saturated with fear. In a couple years I will be almost 40 years
old, and I have not seen everywhere I wanted to see, I haven't tasted
everything I wanted to taste, and I have not pushed myself as far as I wanted
to go. Am I weak for not being able to at least
witness the horrors that surround us in a daily manner? There is a Bedard
painting called "Ship of Fools," where a boat full of ducks
parting, signing and drinking is headed into a terrible storm, and none of
the ducks seems to see it. I wonder if they too were nearing the big FOUR O! I am just shallow? Chicken? Mad? Lonely? What truly makes me sick is that it is
still, now and always, all about me! God forbid that the planet should end
without me seeing Alas, all about me... The Me Song Lets
talk about meeeeeee, No
one cares about youuuuuuuu, Lets
talk about youuuuuuuu, What
you think about meeeeeeee?! Vain and funny little critters we humans
are. ************************************** The wind has changed direction, the days
are suddenly cooler, the tourists seem to start arriving by the
hordes and life in the Coachella valley seems to start gearing up for
fall. This has got to be my favorite time of the year....the hiking, the
clear views and the amazing sunsets. Max came over from ************************************** Well, the cat is out of the bag. Max and I
finally talked yesterday. We had a long telephone conversation and we both
came to the agreement that try, we must. I exposed that I was unhappy when he
chose to do other stuff instead of being with me, especially when we only see
each other once in a while. This was partly my fault for setting
him up to make a choice and not expressing what was important to me. So
choose he did, and then I pouted because he did not choose me. I could have spoke up and let him know what
was important to me. My insecurity stopped me and for that I am a 100% to
blame (Catholic up bringing can you tell?) He also realized that he has some points to
work on. So, we will continue trying. He is coming tomorrow Sunday and we
will spend the day together. His mom lives not far from me so we will do
the brunch thing. Changing the subject now, Ted, dear
friend and only confidant in town is the most handsome, sweet, hot,
intelligent, sexy guy I have ever met. He is also a very troubled man,
who I worry about his well being and what he could do to himself. I
think he wants life to be easy... He wants love to be easy! How silly is
that? Being that he has a background of a sort in
psychology, he does a lot of self analysis and grows sad from all his
brooding. I wish I could do the Last
night we spent some time listening to music and chatting. As he was leaving,
I walked him outside and we stood in amazement watching the freakiest scene I
had ever seen. Over the east side of the valley, somewhere over the The discharge of electricity was so
powerful and so concentrated that it had been going on at that time for
several hours according to Ted. It reminded me of a Christmas tree....with
all its lights twinkling. My imagination conjured up images from Close
Encounters of the Third Kind. It was an amazing show, a bit creepy and
apocalyptical, but awe inspiring, amazing! ************************************** Well, his "I love you" text
messages stopped showing up on my phone today. Hummmm,
love sucks. I know what is coming, but what can you do, except maybe close your
eyes when the train is within inches from hitting you? Tonight I took myself out to dinner. I got
home, took off my professional skin and slipped into my true self.
Tennis, t-shirt, shorts and Terry Pratchett on my
hand, I walked down the hill from my house in the direction of At the bottom of the Cove and just behind As I sat there in the plastic covered
furniture drinking my 7-up and dipping hard noodles into sweet and sour sauce
and hot mustard, I felt beyond good. Carelessly I took a dab of hot mustard
that was too much to handle and I sat there with my mouth on fire and my
brain spinning while I tried to keep my cool. It was a great moment to be me and to be
alone. I inquired about the difference between Chao Ming and Chop Suey, and
quickly I was educated on the different vegetables that each one requires and
also the ying yang contrast of the sauces
specifically for each dish....the dark versus the light. Delicious! As I sat there feeling sooooo content, shoving food in my mouth, reading my
silly book and listening the sweet sounds of mind-numbing music, I realized
that I am proud to say that despite all the drama that I create and pick up,
I am a pretty happy individual. I take immense joy out of silly moments
like this one. I love Max and I want Max in my life, but
it is a wonderful feeling to know that I am able to provide my own happy
moments. I choose to have certain people in my life without making them
responsible for my happiness. I am scared shit less of dying, and I know
I am not going to live forever. Could it be that this is the reason
why life tastes so good? ************************************** I had planned on taking Max for a romantic
dinner and make it a special weekend for us. I wanted to say thank you for
helping me through my rough spot, but he had some other guy he wanted to go
see down in He doesn't get it though, maybe because I
am not communicating. I sure would like to have a little more priority in his
life without having to ask for it. Well, life sure is a lot more fun when you
have a paycheck. Friday night I had a really good time. My friend Gloria
invited me to a dinner party. It ended up being at the house of one of my new
coworkers. They are from Saturday I went down to My brother stressed that it would cost him
an extra half an hour on the treadmill, I worked my self up to being happy
for just eating half the desert....LOL.....In the afternoon my Mom, my step
dad and I went walking on the beach at Sunset and we had a lot of fun. It was
very hot and humid, a lot of people were started to arrive as the sun went
down, everybody coming out to enjoy the warm evening and the cooling
temperatures. The sky was a great palette full of warm golds,
yellows, oranges, blues and purples. Watching the sunset from the pier with
my mom and my step dad is going to remain among one of my favorite memories,
despite the smell of fish. Life goes on. Today I rode almost 12 miles on my
bike....it was late morning so the temperature was in the 100s so I sweated
like a pig. It felt so good to push my body with exercise, I love the power
of physical strength, it reminds me that I am alive. ************************************** Somewhere in September,
maybe August, 2004 Hello World! My boyfriend just turned me
into a Blogger
and I think I am going to like this a lot. What a great space to allow
people to be self expressive and to tap and share ideas with others, and also
be move and inspired by someone else's writing too. Long live entertainment! I am no fancy writer but write I love. My
experiences are pretty common and my perspective just as insane as your
average madman overwhelmed by this world. So, here is my story: In the period of one
month, I have started a great new job that challenges me and is full of
opportunity and growth, got into a car crash when somebody else forgot to
stop at a red light, fell in love and I am dating a fabulous man who drops
me fast when a better offer comes along, found out I have a
condition which may shorten my life by a few years, and spend most of my days
in struggle, not quite sure if I should be happy or sad. Now, being born and raced in This fabulous realization does not always
work as easily as it sounds, but try I do. ************************************** Tonight my thoughts drift back toward a
confused and lonely woman. I have met someone so caught up on drama that I
feel sane. Now, please don't think me hypocritical, I own my drama and it is
a constant struggle to bring the volume down on it, but this woman I met has
turned the drama knob to the max and dances with it. In the Landmark Forum I learned about
our racquets. Those stories and lines we use over and over to define who we
think we are. Those lies that we tell about ourselves so much, that at one
point or another become what is real to us and we
believe our own deceit. It is so sad when you see people caught in
the web of their own lies, tangled, frustrated, lonely and afraid. I been
placed in a position where I need to examine this events and make a judgment
that will affect this woman's future. We all make really bad decisions at one
point or another, and we must face the consequence with the head held high,
humbled but proud at the fact that we can own our own mistakes. You learn
what needs to be learned and you move on. I am going to hold this woman up to a
higher standard than she holds herself to. I am going to take a step that is
going to put this woman in a position where she needs to answer to some of
her lies, and face the music. The dice have been thrown,
the fight is over...now all that is left is her reaction. 10% is what happens, 90% is how we react to
it. Can we empathize? Yes we can. Do we give
her another chance? It is not up to me, but I have clear the way for her
destiny to unroll. It is funny how we are all connected wethers
we like it or not. How many times before has someone had to make this
decision regarding my fate? How many times I have been lucky? How many times
have not? The tears I cried have been great teachers, and yet....why can't we
share these experiences with other? Why can't we clean the way for others? Maybe because we all have our own journey
and our own lessons to learn. I feel so bad for her, but heck!...she had it coming. LOL.....so profound. It was the movie parenthood where the
grandma in the movie explains how life is like a roller coaster, full of up
and downs and unexpected turns. But it is not like that for everyone. Some
people live in dull carrousels going around in circles, seeing the same
stuff, sitting in the same spot, riding the same old ride day in and day out.
Comfort can be such a wicked thing at times, and yet there is no better
feeling in my book than crawling into my bed at night. The same bed, my
pillow, my lamp and my books. I guess a roller coaster is not such a bad
thing, and carrousels, well...they are not for me, as appealing as routine
may sound. But routine is so comforting, and safe. Without oppression, our freedom becomes
dull and our senses numb. It is the pain that teaches us effectively, not
happiness. Pain is the one that teaches us the important lessons on how to live.
Happiness is highly over rated. I really wish Max was in my bed tonight,
but he is all the way in LA tonight. **************************************
OK, line up to slap me around. I finally
talked to Max today, he told me about the great time he had yesterday at the
beer bust and I still did not tell him that my feelings got hurt yesterday. I am a hopeless case! This afternoon I took myself to the movies to
see The Exorcist....what a bad movie! I should have known that classic movies
can have no sequels. **************************************
I always find it amazing all that can
happen in one week. Even one day can have major changes in ones life...every
hour, every minute, every second is doomed to be
altered. No matter how much you plan life, change is constant and that is the
only thing that remains the same. Work is work and I am sorry if I had been
saying too much about it, but it was a major change in my life recently and
it impacted my life in many ways, anyway, enough of that. Max and I are still seeing each other and
we are having some really amazing conversations. He seems very hesitant but
try he does, and I know I don't help things by bottling things up, it is just that I am so afraid to let him see me as I
really am. Silly isn't it. The things we want the most, are also the things
we fear the most at times. I want to be honest and to have 100%
communication, and yet, when my feelings get hurt, I say nothing. Why? Here
is someone who wants me to be open and honest with him and why then do I fear
to speak my mind. It is my mind he loves...God knows there are plenty of men
around him, men with twice the looks, more successful and charming and hung
than me. So, it has to be my mind and my heart that keeps the man
trying.....I hope.....LOL.....I hope. Why do I confuse confidence with arrogance?
Why do I fear someone seeing what is deep
in my heart and in my soul? Why am I suddenly afraid to be the wild
horse running wild?.......he seems ready to run wild with me....well, a
little wild anyway......he is still very vanilla, but he is
trying.....really. That was my invitation to men in general......I am a wild
horse, want to run wild with me?....and he said yes!
I got so used to men saying no, that I forgot to come up with a plan of
action in case someone said yes...LOL I know I am a good human being. I am kind,
I am loving, I have compassion and I love helping
people. Isn't that what matters in a human being? Why do I want to turn him on in bed beyond
everything else? Why am I infatuated with wanting to be his
everything? Well, that could be Andy Gibb's fault. Is not possible! To have a man desire me
above all other men is a fantasy brought on by watching too many Disney musicals.
That is why straight marriages go down the hill!!!! Women want to be
everything to a man, which totally goes against the nature of manhood. Am I talking about choice
again? Taming the beast in my pants....or my ass...all depending my mood.....:) Why am I afraid? Last night my roommates
got into a fight. Now this happens often but this time I got caught in the
middle, which I hate. I hate living in a situation where people scream and
say mean things to each other. So, I grabbed Cricket and Julia and took them
down to my Mom's home in This morning I left my Mom's place and went
up to LA to spend the day with Max, something I was looking very much forward
to. I was really looking forward to our time together, he took me to brunch
with his friends to a fabulous little trendy place on the Sunset Strip, and
halfway through the brunch the friends started talking about beer bust in If anybody knows of a cheap apartment in DRAMA! DRAMA! DRAMA! Why are you reading
this anyway! I know I am over it.....LOL! ************************************** Did I mention that this new job of mine has
me flying high in hopes and dreams. I love it! The
environment is so freaking nice. The premises are new, the people are happy
(most of them anyway) and my boss is a really neat lady. They are swamped
with work and I love the fact that my input is appreciated and I love
dressing up in my starched shirts, putting on a tie....wow....what a feeling.
When I was bar tending, I never felt like
this. I must admit that I felt sexy, but this job makes me feel smart. My
dick versus my brain,....the eternal battle. It is a
struggle enough on its own, but when the ass hole and the heart choose sides,
it is really a full out war. So, since now I find myself in the subject
of the heart, Max has come into my life and I have open wide the door to
love. Compromise? Why am I so afraid to let him
see deep inside me? I haven't had a boyfriend in a while, and I
must confess.....I love it! I love feeling like a school child, crushing,
falling, reckless.......so alive, and so vulnerable. Only when the door of death swings right
open, that we become aware to a deeper sense of living. ************************************** OK, well today was my first
day actually working and I loving it already! I wonder how long it
will last...LOL ************************************** Today I was feeling pretty much on top of
the world. I started my new job and I love it! Getting this job has been
such a great opportunity and I been flying high with happiness. Today was my
orientation and spent the day learning about all the pretty great benefits
that going back to corporate is providing me. It seems so many things are being to turn
around for me, especially after a rotten time dealing with the dark side of
life the last two years. I am blessed with having been given the
opportunity to work for this new fabulous place and also blessed with a great
lady as a boss. What an amazing woman. Ever really connect with someone right
at the time of meeting them? Amazing....really like her style. On top of this, Max spends more and more
time in my thoughts and there is soooo many things
I can't wait to do with him, and places to go with him and things to explore
with him. On the way home things took an unexpected
change. I was heading down We were both ok, and I hate the fact that
such a wonderful day took such a turn, but I sit here reading over and over
this note posted over my desk, which I would like to share with you: Attitude It
is more important than appearance, gibbeted or skill. It will make or break a
company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have choice every day
regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We
cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact people will act in a
certain way. We
cannot change the inevitable. The
only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our
attitude...I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90
percent how I react to it. So,
tonight I sit here upset........I had a wonderful day, but now I am upset. I
really wish Max was here holding me. This is one moment when I am so bummed
out that we are a hundred miles away. I need a hug badly. Cricket
comes into the room, jumps on the bed and gives me a small meow. I guess for
the next hour I will allow myself to be upset....then I better put some up
beat music and go out for a walk. ************************************** Nothing is better than waking up in the
morning to a brand new day. I open my eyes slightly and slowly focus on
the most beautiful set of blue eyes patiently waiting for mine to open,
lovingly and warm. No, it is not some trick I dragged from the bar last
night, it is Cricket my cat. He has decided that since I am single,
his place is not at the foot of the bed, he much prefers the
stop against the pillow right next to me (the lovers place). This is a much better place to keep an eye
on my eyes. You see, he knows that when I open my eyes, the first thing I do
ritually every morning is go to the bathroom, open the blinds on the
windows around the house, usually followed by the ritual feeding of the cats.
He sure loves his food and fresh water. Charlie is not a wet food kind of
cat, and Dr. Julia Hoffman and Lucy do not get up until my
roommates get up, so this morning time is usually our time together. As I
feed him, I also tell him about my plans for the day, which he usually
prefers to ignore since he is more focused on eating than anything
else. He is not much of a feedback kind of cat. The air smells of possibilities and being a Sunday morning, I opt for putting on a
Joni Mitchell CD and jump back into bed. I start my new job tomorrow, and today is going to be a day of relaxation and getting mentally
ready. I spent the last few days with LA Max, whom
unfortunately had to go to ************************************** |
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